Friday, January 18, 2013


What have I done
These words capture forever in the black
Courier is such horrid font
To imprison the past in
And yet here I have done it
Am doing it again 
There's some meta for you
Take two and don't call me in the morning
It begins with a simple thought
Reread what I have written
Don't let the past affect the poet any longer
My warden finally laid to rest
And I convinced myself quite nicely
That the manacles had not existed
At least at first I did
But poem after poem 
All of you my darling dears
Three loves have ever held my heart
Three loves have never let go
And three times have the breaking happened
Three times I promised never again 
Here I am again
I see some more of you
The others I almost pursued
Thank God I never did
The regret of not having pursued is great
I revel in it because it makes you all so real
And validates my pathetic poems
Because when I reread them
Specifically the ones written for her and him and her
I feel the breaking anew
And the blood begins to burn
It's so strange
I don't love two out of three anymore
But they burn the most of all
Not anger
Not regret
The hodgepodge of anguish 
The pain and anxiety and dread and exhiliration 
Coure like ice through my veins again 
I am back in that moment
When I first knew beyond a doubt I loved you
When I first knew I didn't love you or you didn't love me
Or that we loved each other but just not enough
And the liquor of life's sweetest mistakes courses through me
And makes me long for days that never actually happened
And for memories I have colored false shades of gold or grey
But I have read all of them
I have read the story of me
It is an show in selfishness
Told in three acts called by three names
And I burn again with subtly different shades of flame
And I long again for that which I never always have
And then extinguish at the end of the page
And there is nothing but soft piano music
And an empty water bottle
I lie here in the fetal position
And I dare to think
Maybe I am finished
Maybe no more tears to cry
Maybe this time it really means healing
And the end
Not to forget 
But not to be chained to all three of you anymore
Maybe just one
A spark of hope remains
A flame of love carried from the first
Passed to the second just in time
Passed to the third before the others were put out
A last lasting flame
With no foreseeable fuel in the future
Maybe this truly is the end
Maybe this ember will smolder
And finally find rest
It's not that I want it
It's not that love was ever so bad
Poison makes us stronger
And teaches me to say, "As you wish"
But with no other love in sight
No haven to steer to or star to guide my way
I have this final one to look to
As it grows dimmer and dimmer
Smaller and smaller
And maybe soon will finally go out
And maybe that means freedom
And maybe that means the end of love for good
Or maybe it means this love is finally done
This way of loving
This selfish love that I can't seem to shake
Maybe this flame ends to clear the fireplace
And scrape out the old, poisonous residue and ash
No more asbestos to burn
And place the fresh pine in the hearth
Drench it with holy annointing chrism
And set a completely different blaze
I can't say for certain
All I know is I think something is ending
I think something may finally be done
But I can't be sure just yet
Sometimes you're sailing out of the storm
And sometimes it's just that you've reached the eye
So I will go sailing on 
Following the last star
Before morning comes

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