Catharsis

What have I done

These words capture forever in the black

Courier is such horrid font

To imprison the past in

And yet here I have done it

Am doing it again 

There's some meta for you

Take two and don't call me in the morning

It begins with a simple thought

Reread what I have written

Don't let the past affect the poet any longer

My warden finally laid to rest

And I convinced myself quite nicely

That the manacles had not existed

At least at first I did

But poem after poem 

All of you my darling dears

Three loves have ever held my heart

Three loves have never let go

And three times have the breaking happened

Three times I promised never again 

Here I am again

I see some more of you

The others I almost pursued

Thank God I never did

The regret of not having pursued is great

I revel in it because it makes you all so real

And validates my pathetic poems

Because when I reread them

Specifically the ones written for her and him and her

I feel the breaking anew

And the blood begins to burn

It's so strange

I don't love two out of three anymore

But they burn the most of all

Not anger

Not regret

The hodgepodge of anguish 

The pain and anxiety and dread and exhiliration 

Coure like ice through my veins again 

I am back in that moment

When I first knew beyond a doubt I loved you

When I first knew I didn't love you or you didn't love me

Or that we loved each other but just not enough

And the liquor of life's sweetest mistakes courses through me

And makes me long for days that never actually happened

And for memories I have colored false shades of gold or grey

But I have read all of them

I have read the story of me

It is an show in selfishness

Told in three acts called by three names

And I burn again with subtly different shades of flame

And I long again for that which I never always have

And then extinguish at the end of the page

And there is nothing but soft piano music

And an empty water bottle

I lie here in the fetal position

And I dare to think

Maybe I am finished

Maybe no more tears to cry

Maybe this time it really means healing

And the end

Not to forget 

But not to be chained to all three of you anymore

Maybe just one

A spark of hope remains

A flame of love carried from the first

Passed to the second just in time

Passed to the third before the others were put out

A last lasting flame

With no foreseeable fuel in the future

Maybe this truly is the end

Maybe this ember will smolder

And finally find rest

It's not that I want it

It's not that love was ever so bad

Poison makes us stronger

And teaches me to say, "As you wish"

But with no other love in sight

No haven to steer to or star to guide my way

I have this final one to look to

As it grows dimmer and dimmer

Smaller and smaller

And maybe soon will finally go out

And maybe that means freedom

And maybe that means the end of love for good

Or maybe it means this love is finally done

This way of loving

This selfish love that I can't seem to shake

Maybe this flame ends to clear the fireplace

And scrape out the old, poisonous residue and ash

No more asbestos to burn

And place the fresh pine in the hearth

Drench it with holy annointing chrism

And set a completely different blaze

I can't say for certain

All I know is I think something is ending

I think something may finally be done

But I can't be sure just yet

Sometimes you're sailing out of the storm

And sometimes it's just that you've reached the eye

So I will go sailing on 

Following the last star

Before morning comes