Monday, December 26, 2011

The Mist and the Boulder

It was a night
Like so many before
When we just sat
And tried to talk
But the words were few
And the thoughts too many
And the feelings too
Were just too true
Just too true...
Or at least, that's what I thought.

It was this last night
Like so many before
Where you leaned arms crossed
Against the frame of my door
And you just looked at me
Wordless and sad
Because of the simple truth
Of what would never be
What would never be...
Or at least, so it seamed to me.

That's why last night
Like no night before
As we sat on the stairs
And you placed your fingertips
On each one of my tears
No need to ask me why
No need to answer
No words can fill this soul
The truth we both know well
We both know well...
Or at least, I can only hope.

And so now that it's tonight
Just like the night before
I will sit alone in silence
Not asking what I cannot bear
To hear the answer to
And I know even if my dreams were true
The silence would be a constant veil
And I know if they are but dreams
The silence is a sanctuary for dreams
And so we shall remain silent
Remain silent....
Or at least, I will for now.


Merlin's Prison

In an empty room
Colored in saddness
I sit and contemplate
You

I sit and stair at my reflection
Waiting for the glass to make
Make the first move
Move

But no sigh, no shutter, nothing at all
The sound of emptiness is loudest
And I knew for sure I was
Forsaken

And when you asked me to have a heart
To show a care again like before
I walked into the empty room
That was Yours

And I peeled the wallpaper with my nails
And I broke the chairs with my bones
And I ground all to dust and ash
Ashes

And I gave the last bit back to you
Because I could not have a heart
After I already gave it away
To you

So here I sit in my empty oaken chamber
And stair empathetically at the mirror
Here where you have imprisoned me
Heartless


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Clocks and Feathers

For too long the clock was still
Hands frozen on frozen face
The chill of the cool metal
The silence of the pendulum
Encased in glass, and iron, and velvet and dust
The long empty silent clock stood
Untouched, unmoved, unwound

But then the small bird flew in
Iron black and as soft as night music
And settled itself on the ledge
And there it built its small nest
While the winter howled outside
The roar of snow was defening
The silence of the clock more so
And in quiet, dreamy slumber sleeping
The clock and the bird slept till spring

The promise of things to come
That springs will wind again
That ticks will once more echo
And that together they shall learn
How to tell time once again


Monday, December 19, 2011

Forms and Shapes of Dreams

Would impetious tears now stand
And say their peace before God and man
For long have I labored to trace the spheres
And long have their paths yet alluded me
Copernicus in his tower sits
And makes the music I long to hear
And yet here I stand in my Tychean turmoil
And I know not yet how to see these things
Wents from the unyielding hands
That hang empyrean upon the ballast fast
I wrought my heart of ore untouched by flame
And the lattice work of my desire
Would not follow the smith's hammer blows
Anon I picked my heart up from the anvil
Where blows so real shattered dreams and fantasy
And relinquished the heart that never was mine
Relingquished the nether-would-bes of morrowtime
The holly hangs upon the heather
And the mistletoe creeps upon the oak
So has this desire clung unto my heart
So shall I set fire to creeping vine and branch alike
Leave naught but ash in my observatory
Leave naught but the tangled form of once was
Melt my astolabe and compass
Retire to that glassy serpent
Upon whose banks wreathed in fog
Purhaps the memory of that face
The memory of Copernicus' song
Shall melt away from all memory
Like imperfections from iron drawn
Or make my mind and heart to fade
Decay the oak and mistletoe
For no longer can this dream last
Soon shall I reap what I have sown
A dark day comes for me
A dark day draws no neigh

Saturday, December 17, 2011

And because

And I don't know what to say
You've come and gone away
And no matter how I cry
You still just pass me by

And I don't know what to do
You made my smile sneak through
And when I didn't see your face
My sorrow took it's place

Because you leave me feeling high
Like I could actually get by
Like my world has some small spark
Like I may still have a heart

Because you leave my messy bed
Smelling like your cigarette
And when it mixes with my tears
Its like you were almost here

And I don't know what to say
Because you make me feel this way
Because you leave me oh so high
How will I ever again get by?


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Die Stilte en die Lied

Stand nou still
En se niks
Want daar is geen meer worde nie
En die aand ure is te donker
Hulle kom, hulle kom
Gee nou aan die duisternis
Betaal ons boote aan die skeemer mis
Want die tale tel nou saam
En die musiek is verby
En die lied het verdwyn
En die stilte sal ons smoor
Terwyl ons hier staan
Almal saam ons kringe draai
Maar nooit sal die ossewaa staan
Nooit sal die duwe weer stuig
Die belofte so laank geleede gemaak
Sal ons trug roep van die doode
Sal ons kinders trug roep na die nuewe dag
Maar die wat tussen staan
Nie in die kraal en nie buite nie
Die veloore
Die vervloekde
Die wat vergeet word
Waar sal ons plek wees
Die blou van onse huemel
Sal sak en smeer met onse see
En die sterkte van ons berge
Kan hul ons die antwoord gee?
Maar so lank is die gront rooi bly
So lank is die Karoo goud bly
So lank as die huemel blou bly
So lank sal die lied anhou
So lank sal ons altyd onthou




Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Didymus

He caught my eye
Peering across the room
With a suken look that seemed to say
That seemed to beg
To beg for someone
Anyone
To ask him what's wrong
So I stepped closer
And he came more into view
And as if reading my mind
Reading his mind
He began to speak
"Its nothing at all"
He couldn't look at me as he lied
I couldn't look at him as he lied
I'm fine
He tried to say but just couldn't
It's just that I think
Yes?
I think I may be getting close
Close? Close to what?
Close to just giving up.
Giving up on what?
Do you really have to ask
And the sadness is his eyes
Was too heavy to bear
So I could not stay
I could not ask him
What he wanted to ask me
Instead I just
I just turned
And walked away
Away from the mirror


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Edmund

Shhhh
Don't say it
We don't want to hear it
Just keep it
Keep it to yourself
Shhh
Let it fall
Bury it deep inside your soul
And let it lie forgotten
By all
Except for you of course
You won't ever forget
You won't ever move on
You won't ever let it go
You have tasted of the cup
And you have found that
Turkish Delight is far too sweet
To ever drink blood again
So now you'll just lie here
In the snow and the ice
And hug yourself to keep warm
And only ever hug yourself
Poor boy you don't even see do you
You can never make them understand
Let it sink lower still
Falling like a burning comet
Self immolation draws now near
Do it
Do it
But never tell them why
Let them stand in a circle
Proud brother and sisters dear
Let them look on with questioning glances
Let them wonder why you would ever
They have not tasted
They can never understand
They will never know why
They look down at your charred remains
And though you may be tempted
Tempted by forces as weak as love and comfort
To tell them
Don't
Shhh
Don't say a word
They can't understand
They have never understood
A thousand generations of their faces
And they have never understood
A thousand more and maybe
But no, no place made for hope
They will never understand it
So just let it all take flame
And let them step back
The look of horror and fear
and that says "I told you so"
Let them share their glances
And speak of their "Poor dear"
But do not answer their questions
They don't even really ask
Shh be still my poor poor prince
Yes, you little prince you little darling
You truly are alone in the world
And so you shall always be
Have I not decreed it?
And My word shall not return void
Go now and lie in the snow a bit longer
Until all your tears have glazed into ice
And as the frozen rivulets travel up cheeks
Freezing those pools that are your eyes
And following that watery trail down
Into your heart
Into your soul
Let all turn to my beloved ice
It is about time, don't you think?
Enough of this fire
Enough of their flames
Let it all cool down and freeze to iron
And then only shall I call you Mine
The Prince deserving of My Kingdom
Drink deep now
Drink of that cup they shall never know
Take up your seat
Not on some throne of four
No
Rise higher still
Here upon the sledge beside Me
Come now and let us go
Only take a care
To hold your tongue
Not a word
Not one word
Shhhh

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Ode to the Bird of Paradise

A different spectre draws now near
Not of her who I no longer fear
But of an altogether different colored bird
Whose song is sweet yet so absurd
For you, o bird of paradise, I write
For it is thoughts of you that keep me up tonight
First the smell, that scent that haunts my sleep
Wafting on unseen breezes it creeps
And suddenly brings back every smile of your face
And in darkness your profile I begin to trace

Begone you thoughts that haunt my dreams!
For though sweet, you are not all you seem
Your lies are free and your venom is fierce
To lead desperate hearts and then to pierce
When you rent away the precious thing of desire
And leave only the taste of the despondent mire
I know your lies and treachery too well
Tonight you shant make my dreams a hell

The bird did not on my shoulder come
Because it preferred me over everyone
It did not sing such a lovely air
Because it thought me the most fair
The kiss I stole it did not secretly give
You cannot trick me and make me believe
You would lie and my heart would gladly follow
But my mind must guard my psyche for the morrow
And it knows that the bird of paradise is wild
It is unpredictable Nature's child
I can never hold it with cage door or bar
I can only be contented to love it from afar




Goodbye Liza

Goodbye Liza
We had such a good time
But we couldn't keep the second hands
From running on and going past

Goodbye Liza
We had such a good run
But all races have an end
And now we've crossed the finish line

Goodbye Liza
We had us and we and our
But now its you and me
And yours and mine
And somehow I think it will be fine

Hello Liza
As I meet you again
Like a new born baby
Reborn is a friend

Hello Liza
I think I saw you before
You're here were I left you before
Before we opened that door

Hello Liza
I'm actually glad to see you
Lets paint the past in shades of gold
Let this friendship also grow old



Thursday, December 1, 2011

Deny me

It wasn't me

We know it was so don't try to deny it

It wasn't me

We have the evidence right here you can't deny it

It wasn't me

Look now just stop it, we all know you did it

It wasn't me

Fine, maybe the evidence is scarce but we know you did it

It wasn't me

Is that what you tell yourself

It wasn't me

Keep denying it and the only person you'll fool is yourself

It wasn't me

Stop saying that! It was you! It was always you!

It wasn't me

I'm getting sick of your lies!

It wasn't me

Shut up! Just shut up! If it wasn't you then who? Me?

It wasn't me

Oh so now you are saying it was me!

It wasn't me

You're garbage! You don't know what you're talking about!

It wasn't me

Stop! Saying! That! Are you saying I did it? Is that it?

It wasn't me

Fine! Maybe I did do it! But no one will ever know.

It wasn't me.

Shut up! No one will ever know after I blow your stupid brains out!

It wasn't me

BANG!

.....


.....


.....


He...hehhe....hehe

.....

I did it. I silenced you for good.

I....

What was that?

It....

Whose there?

It wasn't....

No!

It wasn't....

No! No! No! It can't be! You're dead!

It wasn't....mmmmm

No! I killed you! You're dead! You're dead!

It wasn't......

Please, please don't say it.

....me

Oh God!

It wasn't me!

Help! Help me! I did it! It was me! It was me! Somebody! Anybody!

It wasn't....

Help....

me


Go

Must write
Must get it out
If I keep the poison in
It will consume my bones
Let it go before it burns away
My hands and face and dreams
Keep it too close and soon I'm the slave
But no matter the reasons I could list tonight
I know that come the morrow and it's light
I'll be here on my face again
And I still hold on to nothing
And I hate myself for it
And I tell myself
Let it go
Let it go
Its no use
Hope is leaving
On a train I cannot board
Maybe it's time
To throw in the towl
To throw myself under
Under the train hope escapes on

The Taste

And then I tasted

The salt of the labor
Done in vain
Plans
They will never see the light of reality

And then I tasted

The salt of tears
Feeling all hope drain away
Knowing this dream can never be
Plans
*sigh*
They carry red knives in golden arms

And then the taste of salt

Led to bitter and gallfilled dreams
Where the longing once fire in bones
Now leaves only an aching feeling
So empty
So lonesome
Withering shutters of the soul

Watch these pathetic scribbled pangs
Or maybe call them
Life's last passionate convulsions

Revoltions

Fetally I lie
And let my eyes try to remember
How to form tears

But this is a new kind of longing
Heartsick for sure
But certain all the same of
One
The future that will never come

Like an echo of what was
Like a negative photograph
Like the aftertaste of diet soda
Like the aftertaste of arsenic

This is the feeling that greets me now
In quiet hours when others slumber
I shall drink and taste and see
And wish I hadn't

Would I do it again?
How could I just let it go?




Saturday, November 26, 2011

Bitter Taste

This is not a night for sleep
This is a night for the breaking apart
The night when that kept in the deepest
Is finally expunged from all thought

Feel it there, that fimiliar ache
The breaking of the heart as it cries out
Feel the shortness of the breath
Feel the will to live slowly fade away

Because as love is the giver of life
Draining love is like draining blood
Slowly the warmth leaves completely
Until nothing is left but the darkest night

And the feeling and thought slowly rises
The horrid truth that no one wants to see
That perhaps that was all the love to be given
And there would be no more to be received

A life consigned apart and alone
A life to be lived in quiet contemplation
A life forever to taste that bitter truth
That we are always like this. Always.

The Final Farewell

Hello it's me again
I know its been a while since we talked
But I felt like I should call
At least to say one last thing
It's not that I want to
In fact I dread the sound of your voice
Not because it has lost its song
But because I can still taste the venom
That was left on our lips
When we last spoke
With words so poisonously sweet
So I'm here on your answering machine
Trying to leave you just one last thought
That today as I was sitting at our place
That one that smells like you and looks like me
The one we ran around in the night
The one we sat so close to the firelight
I thought of you and I began to wonder
Can I ever find anyone else to love like you?
Not to be overly romantic
I know it's a sentament as old as love itself
But to find another seems so vital
When love has been the only thing for so long
The only reason to stay alive
But now I've looked at the competition
And the truth is it's not looking so great
It's not that you were really all that special
Its just that a love built over so much time
Built like a castle with layer after layer of stone
Makes everything else afterward
Look like nothing more than a mud hut
And even as the sweetest of our memories
Comes on dainties step to my call
Following close behind is her sister, dread,
Those things I wish I could rather forget
The times when I felt like giving up
When faced against fears and uncertainty
The times when I had to give of myself
And give and give and still smile all the while
Its not to sound like some martyr
I chose this and I bore it with all gladness too
But to call it anything other than a burden
Is to make a fool and a folly of what love truly is
To love is to carry the heaviest burden of all
To love is to fear the greatest fears of all
To love is to lose the greatest part of yourself of all
To love is to die a thousand deaths over and over again
Because love is not an easy thing
No it has never been an easy thing
And the truer the purer the greater the love
The harder and heavier its burden has been
To feel a great pressure that builds so strong
That is the pressure of a love growing great
And I hate myself to thing that the reason we ended
Was because you and I were both afraid of this love
Growing so large and getting out of hand
Is it possible that maybe we needed not to let love go
But to let go of the control we so desparately craved
A thousand different paths play in my mind
What if you had
What if I had
What if we had done something different
But its too late now, isn't it
You' ve gone and I let you go
We are both to blame in all of this
Come sit and share the blame with me
We both loved so greatly
We both feared that love
Feared to get hurt
We both gave up on that love
We both let it go when we shouldn't have
And now we can both only sit
And feel the sand of regret
Run over our skin
Drying, parching, longing for that season
When we ran in the rain
When we sought Him together
When the world was simpler
But that day has passed and so has the season of our love
And I guess there's no point in telling you all this
And so I guess I won't call you back after all
And I won't leave this message on your answering machine
And you won't hear me say my final farewell
Hello, it's me.
So long, my love, my friend.

To Truly Own It

There was a time
When I would have had you come
All you who were wearied
All you who were heartbroken
And I would have spoken those words
Those words of empty comfort
Words I had no right to speak
Because they were not mine

But then I was the wearied
And now I am the broken hearted
And I feel the weariness of you
And I feel the breaking of you
And now only do I have words of meaning
Those words I have every right to speak
But I cannot speak them
They hurt too much to say

Depart from me now all of you
All you who are wearied
All you who are broken hearted
Depart from me all you who need
All you who are empty
I am only a man
I am empty just as you
We are the empty people
Created empty
Left empty
To die empty
This is who we are

Let us not speak soft words without meaning
To make a comfort that we do not own
This world is a craving and necessity
A hunger pang we can never sate
Shall we look to the brightness of morrow
When today is ashes and still so grey?
We are mortal man and empty woman
We are the sons and daughters of laborpain
We do not live in the morrow
The only day we have is the day of today

We do not own tomorrow
We can only own our today
We may stand alone together
But we will stand alone either way



Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Points

They will see this
But you never will
The desperate words I wish I could tell you
But maybe it's better this way
Because if they see me cry
They can laugh
They can judge
They can be as cruel and cold
And I can shake it off
I can stand back up
I'll trip them all eventually
Spit on their faces
As I pour the gasoline
I will always be the winner
But not you
I couldn't
Which is why I guess it's better
That you never see these words I write
Because if you saw them
If you read this confession of my heart
What would you do? What could you do?
Dismiss it, and me with it
Laugh at it, make light of it,
And me with it
Mock it, scorn it, reject it
And me with it
Ignore it, leave it, pretend it isn't here
And me with it
What could you do
That wouldn't kill me too?
So let them all look in
And try to trace lines to old faces
And figure out your name
In the end it doesn't really matter
As long as you don't see this
....
But if you won't see this
Why write it at all?
Is this stupid fucking hope again?
Yes, i called it by it's real name
The hope that loves to lead men on
Before trampling them under it's hard hooves
Hope is a demon, a cruel monster
So I'll pen my words
And keep my thoughts to myself
And I'll never tell you the truth
About how I really feel
And yes maybe they can read this
And yes maybe they can figure it out
But I don't even care anymore
I'm just so fucking tired
Tired of all of this shit
I am tidally locked to you
And you continue spinning without missing a beat
Why write? There seems to be no point anymore
Why live? There seems to be no point anymore
Why love? There seems to be no point anymore

Not I

Have you ever had a secret
You wished you could tell someone
But you knew you could tell no one
And it slowly killed you from the inside
Because the only person you actually wanted to tell
Is the only person you could never tell
And so you had to keep on going
As if nothing bothered you at all
And pretend you didn't want to scream
Have you ever had those dreams
In which you were finally yourself
And no one judged you for being you
And no Provedencial eye would frown
For the shape He laid your frame in
And then woken from that world
To remember none of it was real
Except the anvil in your chest
That was still all too real
Have you ever felt like this
Probably not. That's okay.
Neither have I.
Nope.
Not me.
I'm fine.

Lachrymosa

Each day is a step deeper
The water is at my ankles, my chest
Each day it gets darker
The water is at my mouth, my nose
Each day is getting so much harder
The water is at my eyes, my hair
Each day I sink so much further
And my lungs are burning
And my eyes are burning
And my heart is burning
Water everywhere, not a single breath
Water streaming from my eyes
Pouring from my slit wrists
Streaming from my screaming mouth
Everything is silent
Everything is tranquil
Everything is underwater
And I can't get out
I can't get up to take a breath
And its killing me slowly
Day by day
Soon
Very soon
The water will cover me completely
It is coming

Monday, November 21, 2011

What was reflected in the glass

It hovers
Just there above the pulsing highway
That runs from my heavy heaving heart
To the points of my finger tips
The cool of the cut is so near
I feel it's presence like an old friend
My friend
You hover there above the artery of my soul
That bleeds across my bedsheets tonight
Runs along the contours of my blanket
And streams in long, thin streams
To the pools on the cold floor
That dripping sound is an empty echo
As empty as the memories of us
So rich in potential
And yet here we are
Or more accurately here I am
Your oblivion is envious
Your careless acts like a million shards of glass
I can only crawl across this hard floor
Snatch up each shard as a precious memory
And slowly drain away all feeling, all pain
I am beginning to lose hope for us
Not that there was any there to begin
But the more I lie here
Under their heavy gazes
The more I understand that that future was never real
That it was a virtual future
A game that I played in my head
Where only one ending was ever sure
But I refused to even think about it
Because I knew that reality burns much too hot
And you cannot hold it for too long
Before it marks you, scars you forever more
But I have beat reality at its game
I have drawn my own scars already
Form their lines according to my designs
But even now there are still these two beating arteries
That somehow refuse to connect
And I am loosing hope for them
I am loosing all my hope
And soon I may give up altogether
On this hope
On this dream
On this empty life
Lying alone on the floor

Saturday, November 5, 2011

A Day

A day dawns
That needs a friend
But no friend was to be found

A day when all the saddness of the world
In faded shades of blue and grey
Seem to flood my tiny soul

When words once utter by the others
I told myself could not be true
Now seem too true

That all love fades away in the end
Some faster others slower
But in the end all

So what then is the point of love
Why play this game
That's doomed to die?

A day that needed love
And realized that there was none in the world
None at all

A day that can only end
End one way
End in glorious, endless sleep

Friday, November 4, 2011

Stay Away

You are such pure souls
I am nothing more
Nothing more than a poison
Stay away from me
All I do is corrupt
And my ever thought leads to your damntation
And though I plant a thousand seeds
Of a thousand evil intentions
Still not a single one bears fruit in your garden
Truly I am evil and you are good
Truly I have no business being near you
Except that by seeing this truth you have
That shines ever more the falseness in me
I now realise myself more fully
That I am nothing more than this evil form
Trapped inside this evil me
Stay away
Just please please
Stay

Thursday, November 3, 2011

One Word

What started this avalanche?
A simple pebble dislodged from the side
Of the mighty mountain's peak
A simple word spoken without thought
Its echoes reverberated through the valley's gape
And every tree shuddered with its sound
And nothing would ever be the same again
Snow packed down by years of frost
Laid down in winters, primal and young
Accumulated over so many years
There was so much snow, so so much
And that one word was all it took
Took to break apart those invisible walls
Those floodgates that had held all back
And then the mountain rumbled intensely
And the snow began to move after years of still
The snow slid sown the mountain with slow purpose
Like the white bridal gown sliding off tender shoulders
That rumbling, churning, wall of destruction
Dislodged danger summoned by a word
A single, simple, lonely little word
It broke the mountain's face apart
And revealed the granite hidden for so long
And the tumbling, grinding, insatiable snow
That broke away trees planted in nice neat rows
It cascaded over lodges, over pines and burrows
Nothing was scared nothing was spared
The destruction was coming to all the same
What started this avalanche this painful metaphor?
One word was all it took on that day
One word from you is all it's ever taken

Decentralizaton

In twilight hours
The flame flickers
And my thoughts flicker in time
And keep the steps of the dance
The dance of the flame

And it follows paths construed in early days
Passing through notebooks long forgot
Back to a boy riding the bus
Who dared to ink paper, oh so young

And dared to pen the words he knew nothing about
Words such as love and pain
Words such as life and the emptiness behind it all
Words about words

I have looked for this little boy
I would sit under his wide arching brows
And listen to the wisdoms he would teach
How I long to find him again

Have you seen him, o flittering flame?
Where he might be?
I sit here and hold my first grey hair
And wonder, how soon is my story told?

Morose thoughts for such a night
When the universe keeps spinning
Regardless of where I am here or not
Life goes on as if I were no more

So why should I think myself so tall
So smart to have found the meaning of poesy
I shall recline in glorious slumber with my fathers
And rest in the earth, that ever vault of man

And the earth shall not be bitter to my taste
For I know it goes on without me there
How relieving to know this simple fact
That the world truly no longer revolves around me

Friday, October 28, 2011

Eau d'Voux

It haunts my dreams
The scent I found
As I drew near you
It wafted and perfumed the air
Like Cleopatra's barge upon the Nile
I smelled the summer sun
Concentrated through years
Like the barley and wheat
When the wind blows through the ears
Ruffling wonton like a woodland nymph
Basking her golden skin in the sun
The scent of the reapers whose sickle sharp
Their song rising above the late summer sky
The golden ears of corn gather
Winnow and thrash till all remains
The perfect kernel of summer gold
Concentrated sunlight and with the scent
Of the woodland dances of midsummer eve
When bonfires large as columns for the sky
Lit the faces of young lovers and friends
Neath a star studded night
When the korn was baked into fresh bread
When the wine was new and the dance free
When ivy wound about fair youths heads
And the sound of singing filled the night
As warm breezes ruffled the trees
To pull the first of the yellowed leaves off
That is the scent I found on your skin
The scent of summer's last day
Filled with the joy and quiet contentment
Of days spent reaping the rich fruits
And drinking deep of Ganymede's cup
Were I to take eagle form
And disturb the cup and bearer
Who alone has this aroma about them
Living incense to drive me mad
Or remain unseen above
My eagle pinions ruffled by rough winds
To look only down at the distant figure
That Cleopatra, that Ganymede
I shall remain aloft
And not disturb the sleeping Endymion
Save to draw near and drink of the cup
While the sleeper dost sleep
But ere Dawn rises again I alight
And not disturb the Day with the Moon's presence


And then you had to Come

I thought that I knew what I was talking about
And then you had to come
And I thought I knew what I was doing about
These thoughts and feelings inside
And then you had to come
I thought that maybe the inevitable could be avoided
That, I don't know, maybe things would change
Or that maybe knowing would make it easier
And then you had to come
And even though no matter which trail
I follow the ends are none of them good
Even the best, the very best end
Will never be the happily ever after
And then you had to come
I thought I understood the star cross'd lovers
Till now
Now I know that they had it easy
Things in the real world get much too complicated
And I feel like I'm rambling again...
And then you had to come
But I know that day is coming
The darkest day for me
The brightest day for you
and because it is a bright day for you
It shall be both dark and bright for me
And because it is dark for me
I know it shall be bright and dark for you too
Because words never spoke
But spoken through a thousand acts
Can leave no doubt about where the piece stand
And what the final move must be
Has always must be
And then you had to come
Fate had a firmer grip on you it seems
Or maybe her hand on me
Has pushed you where I can never trod
This is not love scorned or unreturned
This is love returned even more full
Yet the deck is set against both players
And in the end Lady Luck is a cruel mistress
To throw two dice together in her bowl
Only to scattered them across the playing board
So far removed
And then you had to come
And I realized just what I wanted
And could never let myself have
For your sake
For my sake
Certain roads that beckon and call
Shall never be answered
Some adventures we will forgo
This all I had perfectly decided on
And then you had to come
And again each time I made up my mind
To set myself far apart
To resist your smiles and slurred speech
Each time firmer in my determination still
And then you had to come
And break harder your waves upon the dam
And break my will asunder again
And again
and again
Till once more I tasted the turkish delight
And knew the fruit and the tree it came from
And the taste of mortality on my lips
And then you had to come
And make me want after your poison yet again...

Lethe's Flight (Unfinished)

How strange are these
children of the tears
that poor Lethe shed
Ere she fled from that lord
So noble of birth
And whose kingdom vast
Encompasses the earth
And whose dark form
All mortals turn to in time
When my lord Aides did
In the summer of her youth
Pursue that fair nymph
Through subterranean ways
Where cthonic streams
Gurgled from the mirk
And seeped across landscapes
Never yet blessed by the sun
Nor moon, or twinkling star's faint light
Where Night and Day have no rule
But all is shadows and shade
And the dominion of the lord
Of the darkest realms

When Lethe, still in her youth,
Did seek refuge from his unsought suit
She called in voice of supplicant tone
To her father great Okeanous of old
That Great Circumference of the world
And raising prayers and her tears
She cried to him and said, "My Father,
Great Circumference of the world
Shall the immortals now look upon you with shame
And say your power has diminished since those days
When first you bound Gaia in her place
She whom all the immortals spring from
Shall the acorn now say it is mightier than the oak
So rise up now and stir from your sleep
Lest your daughter's tears go unheard
And the immortal gods who dwell on Olympos
Say no more strength dwells in your arms
To save even her you once called dearest to you!"

And whilst the nymph praying her father so
Was yet in the field of the boulders
That barren wasteland that lies twixt
The realms of fiery Tartarus to the south
And the shadow regions from wence rise
The seeping Styx, that curs'd river
Upon which even Zeus does swear
And where even vampyric furries
Fear to fly when by them selves
And so running she in that bouldered land
Heard the young lord in high chase behind
His victory near, his prize in hand
That her father turned his aged head
And heard the pleas of the simple nymph
And rose a might wall in that plain
Twixt his daughter and the lord
who commands Cerberus the dog of three




Thursday, October 20, 2011

Lean Not On Your Own Understanding

I walk this path in darkest night
Along the desert of my soul
And I come once more to the place
Where the bodies lay in the sand
Severed in half
A sacred promise
Your torches passed here
Your words echoed on the breeze
and I was foolish enough to believe them
You made a promise
You said things would be different
Your torches passed between them
Half dead corpses on both sides
Oxen, sheep, doves who never did wrong
You or me
They were killed
Their blood spilled because....
You said this would be different
You said we would be together
Forever
And I believed
You said that these things took time
You said that no one would come between us
You said that all I had to do was trust
Trust You
And I believed the promise
I wept for the promise
I waited for the promise
I waited
But yet
You never came
I sat by myself
Under this sycamore tree
I climbed its branches
Till I reached the stars
And plucking them from the firmament
The wall that was built
You built between us
I threw the stars of heaven to the earth
To reach the place
The place I heard I could find
You
But heaven was an empty sepulcher
And I couldn't understand why
I must have misunderstood somehow
How could I have been so foolish to believe
That if I were to climb to the highest heavens
I would find
You
And I blamed myself
I said it must have been me
I crept down from the sycamore tree
Under the cold eyes of scornful angels
Who reminded me I did not belong
Belong with
You
So I crept along the tree
Till I came to the dust
Back to the dust
To the ashes to ashes
To where my home was
And I lay in the dust
And when my friends came to me
I told them to depart
For I had not seen the foundations of the earth
And I could not hook Leviathan
And I was but dust
and ashes spent
So I took to the flames
And buried myself in the breath of life
And a pyre was above me
And the gold of the idols
Dripped between the stones
And the drops of molten gold seared
As they dropped down and coated my skin
Till I was a golden man
And idol in the images of men in the images of gods
In the image of G-d
And I sat in the flames as a god
And I wept in the flames as only a god may weep
And I knew my place was here in Sheol
And I hoped that I could find in between gnashing teeth
You
But lo, I was still alone
And anger consumed my soul
I had waited for You
I had wept for You
I had believed You
And I errupted from beneath the earth
As the sun
And burned with fiercest harshest light
And I screamed at the morning
The morning that was me
And I hated the dawn
I hate you Dawn!
My anger was kindled
And the fingers of hatred brushed my soul
With an icy shutter as pale as snow
And I fell away from the earth
Until I floated listlessly
Listless in the hyperborean sea
The wings of the dawn were dying
And the uttermost was all I had
And even there in the end of days
When I had forsaken all others
When I had followed You
Still You hid from me
As if this was some sort of game
As if my love for You was some game
I shed this godly form
And returned my golden heart for one of flesh
And life flooded my veins
Along with the bitterest of dread
I sat upon the edge of the world
My feet dangling into space
And stars spun around them
Following the currents of the wind
And that was when
Then of all times and in all space
That You came to me
Grew a tree to give me shade
And returned all my sons and daughters to me doubled
As if that somehow replaced the ones You took away
And as the final note of the last trump died off key
Then You chose to ride in on Your white horse
And looked at me with that perplexed look in Your eyes
That just couldn't seem to understand why
Why I was angry
Why I was hurt
Why I no longer would take You at Your Word
Look back at Rachel weeping for her children
Look back at the burning cities
And see the Salt of Compassion
The ever present pillar that is the ever present witness
To what You have done
And all of this, My Love
Why?
Because You weren't sure of my heart?
Testing me to see if I would give my all
You knew this from the very start
Why bring a ram and rooster into it at all?
So where does that leave us?
You and I?
I sit here watching the cosmos roll by
You stand there watching me waiting for a response
Soon my time will draw near
And then what sight will we see?
Can You love me and watch me suffer like this for ever?
Can You love me and extinguish the smoldering wick?
Can You love me and hide Your face when I need You?
Did You ever love me at all?






Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Hated Decisions

Each day I hate you less
Just a little little less
And I seem to find the space
To start breathing once again
When I hear the songs once ours
When a memory once sweet
Threatened to overwhelm
Now less strength carries it
But your love has been a poison
And I drank deeply every day
Until it burned away my marrow
And ashen was my soul
Your love was an addiction
An addiction for myself
I loved loving and loving you
Being loved was falsest health
For under the guise of smiles and poesy
Under the light of fireworks and the moon
Your love was a vine wrapping around me
Boa constrictor to my art and my muse
But your poisoned arrow
Was doubly tipped
For not only was my art affected
But then also did your bitter taste strike
And extinguished my trust's light
And now when I feel another heart beating
When I look at her standing close by my side
When I see another whose love is worth keeping
The barb in my chest reminds me by tide
That once I placed my trust in a girl
Once I made her my entire world
Once I loved her with all of my being
And she tore it and broke it and spat on my dreams
And so the raven comes to my heart
And speaks to my logic, my hurt, and my art
And reminds me the vow the broken must keep
Nevermore nevermore until I sleep
Love is not near nough with Lethe in kind
To make me forget the poison of your kind

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Burning Bridges

"Maathi! Maathi! They're burning the orchard!"

The old woman slowly raised herself from where she had been inspecting the roots of a gnarled almond tree. The boy ran down the dirt path, his bare feet beating the dust as his lungs stretched to their limited with his panting breaths.

"Jannis. What's the matter?" She said as the boy collided into her, wrapping small arms around her thighs, pressing his face to her as he sobbed. "There, there my child. What is the matter?"

"The orchards. Our family orchards. They're burning them." The child raised his large, swollen eyes to the old woman. "What will we eat if they burn them, Maathi?"

The old woman placed her cool, dark hand against his red, burning cheek and spoke reassuringly, "There, there. Jani. Everything will be alright. If they burn your orchard, then you can come eat from mine. Did you see the papaya's down by the riverbank? They are as big as your head already. There is no need to fret."

The child still clung to her, but she felt the sobs die down. She placed her hand reassuringly upon his head as she looked to the two other women with her. The younger of the pair looked towards the direction the child had run from, the Jones Farm on the other side of the river.

"Wangari?" She said pointing towards the smoke rising above the trees, "Do you think they will come here next?"

"Tamar. Take Jannis inside and get him some juice." She answered, handing the child to the younger woman. "Helvi and I will go talk to them."

As they walked up the path, the sheer silence of the moment seemed to breathe terror. The small section of forest before the clearing was unusually quiet. As if the forest knew what true terror was lurking on its way through the darkness within.

"Wangari, you don't think they'll cross the bridge, do you?" Helvi asked, trying to match her stride. "They know that the international community will not just sit back and let them breach the clear demarcation boundary."

"This is not about my farm and my orchards. This is about my neighbor's orchard." Wangari said as she continued her march towards the river. "Helvi, if you want you can stay behind with Tamar and Jannis. But I would appreciate having you at my side when I speak with them."

Helvi simply nodded and decided to turn the tape recorder in her pocket on. She might not be a lot of help in their confrontation but at the very least she could document what happened. And she could be there to help Wangari.

"There they are. Up ahead."

They walked out onto the riverbank where the small bridge spanned the rushing torrent. On the other side a group of men stood around the two bodies lying on the ground. They didn't seem to notice the two women on the other side as they kicked the forms and spat on them.

"You! There! What do you think you are doing?" Wangari was suddenly more angry than she had ever been in her life. The rage consumed her and she couldn't stop her mouth as she continued yelling, "Those people have done nothing to you!"

"Old woman, stop your yelling!" One called back as the rest turned to look at her. "We're here to help you take back our land!"

"From whom exactly?" She called back, already knowing the answer.

"From the imperialist! We are here for the good of our people! Go back to your house and make us some food. You should be thanking us." They laughed at this comment and Wangari clenched her fists.

"Do not try to teach me about manners! You obviously have none! Behaving like animals, destroying a family who never harmed you in any way! You should all be ashamed of yourselves! You bring shame to our people!" She called back, turning her back on them in a sign of dishonor.

"You old hag!" The leader called, throwing down the stick he had been using to hit the two bodies, grabbing the gun he had given to a comrade. "You don't turn your back on us! Maybe we should teach you some respect!"

The group grabbed their machetes and guns as they advanced towards Wangari on the other side of the river. They were shouting and yelping, making obscene gestures towards the old woman and her companion while gripping the ropes on the bridge.

"Wangari! We should go!" Helvi said, taking the old woman's arm.

"No. You stay here." Wangari said, as she moved forward on the bridge to meet the men.

The group moved towards the figure walking towards them, hefting guns as if to scare her.

"Old woman! You are a fool! You should have run while you could."

"I will warn you only once. Do not come any closer. You have already destroyed enough life today. Turn back and do no more harm." She answered, looking the leader in the eye with a look that said she pitied him.

"We have not even spilled a quarter of the blood that will run this day! And yours will be the next blood to flow!" The leader called, his eyes burning with anger.

"Well, I warned you." The old woman said, sitting down on the wooden slats.

"We are the ones warning you!" The leader shrieked as they reached her. "There is no use begging and bowing now!"

The old woman looked into each of their faces as the one with the largest machete stepped forward, letting the sun gleam off his blade.

"You're all just children. I am sorry that you will all have to die today. I am old. I have helped people and have lived life. But you. You have barely tasted it. I am sorry. So, so sorry." She said as she closed her eyes.

The group jostled to get closer to her when they heard it. The snap. The entire bridge lurched to the side as it swung horizontally. They grabbed frantically at the ropes to find a hold as one of the group fell into the rushing currents below.

"What did you do, you old fool!" Yelled the leader as the bridge swung back like a pendulum, a few more of the men falling into the river.

"I'm not the one who didn't read the sign. It says the bridge can only hold two people at a time. You should have seen the signs." She said, not opening her eyes.

There was another snap, followed by another and the entire bridge disintegrated into a jumble of wooden slats, trapped limbs, and snake-like rope binding all together. For a moment this strange conglomerate creature hovered in the gap above the river. Then it seemed to slowly descend and disappear into the rushing water below.






Monday, September 26, 2011

We Implore Thee

Now hear this word
That we dare to ask
Dare to utter
O Utterness of All

Now wait for us
we are so slow
Slowly we begin to see
O Seeing of All

What would u have of Me?

O Utter-Seeing
O see Utterly
See what we have become
See and do not see away

What would u have of Me?

we are so tired
Yes we can barely stay awake
And yet still
we cannot sleep

we are hungry
Oh so hungry for something
And yet we cannot
Cannot force ourselves to eat

What would u have of Me?

we are thirsty
Oh we thirst to death
And yet water has become
Like a poison to our lips

No ointment for our wounds

What would u have of Me?

No balm for our bruises

What would u have of Me?

No cure for this plague

What is it to Me?

What?

What is it to Me?
Look about u
u who do not deserve
Even as many letters as u
Torment will be ur bread
Salt tears will be ur drink
Make which ever bed u will
But only nightmares will I visit on u
Look here I fill a world for u
And then I shall take it away
And then I shall replace it again
With this right hand
With this left cosmic yoyo
And if u dare not trust Me
After I am done with My play
My plan
Far worse will I do to u
Be humble!

we are humble

BE THANKFUL

we are thankful

BE NOTHING BUT DUST

we are nothing but dust

BE NOTHING BUT VAPOR

we are nothing but vapor

BE NOTHING

we are nothing
THOU art everything

Now what would u have of Me?

Everything
For thou are everything
And we are nothing

Good
Good
It is very good






Saturday, September 24, 2011

Roses in June (Unfinished)

"Where is the florist!"

Danielle wanted to scream until every last one of the crystal champagne flutes exploded. This couldn't be happening. Not today. Not today of all days.

"Erin!' The maid of honor hoped out of her chair at the mention of her name.

"It's okay, Danielle. I'm sure they'll be here." She said, rubbing her friend's shoulders as Danielle covered her eyes and began sobbing. "Shhh. They'll be here. Don't worry."

"They were supposed to be here last night!" She said, pulling away and stomping to the window.

"Dominque said that they haven't called and no one has been able to get a hold of them." Erin said, tucking a brown curl behind her ear. "At this point, maybe we should try to make it work without the flowers."

Danielle had sat down on one of the maroon chairs and and looked up at Erin with fire in her eyes. "We. Can't. Have. A. Wedding. Without. Fucking. Flowers!"

Erin ducked as the telephone on the side table was thrown at her.

"Jeez, calm down Dani." She said, backing up a bit. "Yes you can."

"There won't be any centerpieces on any of the tables at the reception!" She said, tears beginning to flow again.

"Shhh. It's okay. We still have the candles." Erin said, directing one of the spectator bridemaids to pick up the fallen phone. "We can put them in the middle and make it very minimilist. You said yourself that you don't want your wedding to be tacky. This way. It will be. Classy."

Danielle sniffed and looked down at her small feet squeezed into the pair of white Prada's she had received last summer. For a moment she felt like everything would be okay. Then her shoulders tensed and began shaking. Her gloved white hands dug into the red velvet she sat on. Her makeup streaked eyes locked onto her maid of honors as she spat, "And what about my bouquet!?!"

The smile on Erin's face died down. In her mind she was quickly weighing options. Danielle was her best friend. So booking it out of the doors and escaping wasn't an option. Danielle was the one who had insisted on having the wedding at the mountain lodge, almost a 2 hour drive away from the nearest town so there would be no back up florist. And because they were way up in the mountains there wasn't a chance of finding any flowers there, wild or otherwise. Erin was running out of options.

"What if we improvise with some lace and some pine branches." The look on Danielle's face told Erin she wasn't buying it. "I mean. In case the florist doesn't show up."

"I'm. Supposed. To walk. Down the aisle. On my WEDDING DAY! Carrying a fricking tree?!?!" Erin sighed and closed her eyes as Danielle went on to list all the people she hated and blamed or this happening.

"Well, hun. Listen, I'm going to go grab some of them. Just the small, thin branches. They'll fit with the location too. In the meantime. Here. Have some champagne to clam your nerves."

Danielle chugged the alcohol and threw the glass against the wall, sending bride's maids scattering and covering their heads.

Erin just shook her head and walked out of the room, smoothing her black silk dress. She opened the door to walk straight into another person. Miles stood in the doorway with his hand raised, mid-knock.

"Erin?"

"Miles!" She grabbed his arm. "Good. I'm glad you're here. She needs someone to calm her down till I get back."

"Did you find the florist?" He asked, dragged into the anteroom.

Erin turned sharply on her high heels and looked him in the eye while lowering her voice, "Don't mention this to anyone. Especially Danielle. But. The florist went to the wrong lodge. They're on the other side of the mountain and won't be here until 3 at the latest."

"But the wedding is supposed to start at–" Miles began before Erin's finger was shoved on his lips as Danielle walked into the room.

"Miles? Any news from the florist?" She asked, drying her eyes.

"Danielle. God, you look awful." He said, holding out his arms.

She began to cry again and slowly walked to him, clutching him by the coat lapels as she cried into his vest. Erin shook her head and gave him a look that said, "you're a moron" before she turned to go on her mission to go find flowers.

"Come on, let's get you some water." Miles said as he led her back to her room.

He nodded with his head that the rest of the bride's maids should clear out so they would have the room to themselves.

"So, what exactly is happening?" Miles asked looking confused.

"Everything is going wrong." She said, walking over to the window, having regained a semblance of control of herself. "The stupid florist just disappeared."

"I see." Miles said, swallowing.

"What?" She turned on him, "You know something! Admit it! Where are they!?"

Miles slide further down on the bed to get away from her as she advanced on him. "I don't know anything. I swear!"

"Miles." She said, leaning over him, piercing his soul with her gaze, "Don't think. That you can lie to me. Because you can't."

"Ha!" Miles said, ducking out from under her and standing up, adjusting his lapels. "Please. I've lied to you for years and you never caught on."

"What?" She said, now the one sitting on the bed as she rolled her eyes, "The fact that you and Evette aren't really together? Please, I could tell you weren't interested in her from the start."

"Was it that obvious?" He said, smiling and sitting down next to her.

"Well, you two did book separate flights here, separate rooms in the lodge, and I've barely seen you in the same room. So yeah." She said, flicking him none too gently on the forehead, "Just a bit obvious."

"Hey." He said, rubbing his forehead. "You haven't done that to me in a long time. Not since–"

"Don't." She said, standing up. "That's the other thing Miles."

He remained sitting on the bed, looking at her back, where the bodice of the white satin wrapped around like two thick, flat arms, connecting in a line of pearl buttons running down her back to disappear in the folds of chiffon.

"I know you're still in love with me." She said turning, her gloved fingers running over each other. "I know you've tried to pretend like you got over me. But I've felt it. I've felt your gaze lingering. I've felt the way you touch me arm when you're passing."

Miles didn't say anything. In his mind he was running through all the subtle things he had done since arriving at the lodge. He was trying to figure out where he had been too blunt. What would have made her talk to him like this.

"It's sweet. It really is." She said, crossing her arms, "But it's also sad. You've got to move on. I mean, there are plenty of fish out there."

She smiled slightly as she said it. For a moment she did relish the feeling that someone couldn't get over her. It gave her an intoxicating thrill. But at the same time she felt bad for him. Her friend. She cared for him too. Just not in that way.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Miles said, getting up and grabbing one of the glasses, sipping from the fizzing amber liquid.

"Miles. Please." She said, placing her hand on his arm and squeezing it softly, "You have to let it go. We were both too young and stupid and just not ready."

Miles finished off his flute and then turned away from her, looking out of the window. When she walked over she saw he was smiling. She didn't know why but for some reason it made her stomach turn.

"What?" She asked, breathing in deeply, "Why are you smiling?"

"Because if were not going to play pretend anymore then I guess I should at least be helpful. Do you still need a bouquet? Because I got one for Evette. It's up in her room right now. She hasn't even looked at it. It's yours if you want."

Danielle felt a ray of hope. She wouldn't have to walk down the aisle with a tree. She would have a bouquet! Maybe her wedding day wouldn't be ruined after all.

"What are they?" She asked, as her hopes suddenly dove. "They're not carnations, are they? You know how allergic I am to them."

"Nope." He said, smiling, "White lilies. Come on. We can go grab them right now. Evette is out at the bar already."

"Oh, she is a classy one, isn't she?" Danielle smiled.

"Come on." Miles said, leading Danielle from the room by her hand.

They rode the elevator up, the soft classical music pouring down on them, filling the room with peaceful quiet. She looked down at her small Pradas again and over at his shoes. He was wearing his Prada's too. From their trip to Milan. Out of the whole group they had been the only ones to actually buy shoes while there. Her gaze traveled up his suit. She could tell it was expensive. The material had a certain sharp texture to it. A crispness.

"It's French." He said, catching her gaze in the reflection of the bronze elevator door.

"Oh. I hadn't even notticed." She lied, focusing instead on the numbers slowly climbing upward.

The rest of the elevator trip was spent in silence. The classical music stifled the air and droned tensely.

"This is it." He said, just as the elevator doors opened.

The long hallway extended before them, dark mahogany doors lining the plush red velvet carpet, while the lights spaced between them seemed to tone everything cold. She followed him down the hallway. And as they walked she couldn't help but think this is what it would be like. Him. Her. Her wedding day. The hotel hallway. Had things been different.

"It's just in here." He said, sliding the key into the door and opening the heavy brass handle.

The door opened into a dark room that was stifling and warm. Like a garden on a summer night, she thought. The scent of lilies blossomed across their senses. He stepped inside and she followed, the only light coming from the white, dull lights in the hallway. Then he flicked on a switch and the whole room changed.

"There we go." He said, as the warm lamps and lights across the room lit it up in tones of burnt umber and reds. "Sorry. She had the light's set for some... alone time last night."

"I see." Danielle said, holding her dress up as she walked in. As if to say how disgusted she was with the little slut, "But you were at the bachelor's party last night, weren't you."

"Yeah." He said, rubbing the back of his head. "Anyway. They're right over here."

He walked into the small bathroom and pulled them out form behind the sink. She gave him a look that asked a dozen of questions. He just smiled and motioned to the large bouquet of sunflowers, carnations, and roses standing on the dresser. "Well, apparently I was outdone anyway. She won't miss the lilies."

"Thanks." She said, taking the flowers from him.

For a moment she just stood there, the light of the hallway illuminating them both from behind.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Font of Phlegethon

Tongue in cheek
They trod the trail
The led upon the path of old
When the world was thin
and the air was frail
And all was lost
To the thing so bold
That dared to rise
With the wondering eyes
And call upon names
That should never be named
And the world grew still
And all life grew ill
And the waste of the world
and its treasures now gone
Quivered and shuttered
With the scream of the wronged
And when the ice broke free
And the waters broke forth
And the gaping void
Was all to be seen
Then the crackling fire
And then the light of desire
And rising the phoenix
With plumes of gold
Shrouded in light
Burning from old
Bound about the world
Its feathery embrace
And screamed in pain
As immolation was tast'd
And then there was fire
Oh, there was fire
Encasing, embracing, enchanting
fire
And the land was burnt
And cinders flew
And ash was tasted
By the mouths of the faithful
Who dared to drink
Of the font of Phlegethon
And feel the rising
of the passions of Eros
Gurgling as blood
Rising as bile
Stronger than the Nile
Wider than their pain
Overwhelming their senses
But the goblet is deep
Much deeper than a man
And those who dare drink
Of this font of Phlegethon
Are doomed to drown
In it's fiery embrace
And doomed to burn
To burn with cold hatred
To taste the ashes
More sorrowful than death
To feel the breaking
The breaking of their soul
And when Phlegethon has risen
And its waters have grown deep
The baptism of the damned
Begins with the beat
The beat of the drum
Of the broken hearted
The beat of the trodding
Upon the path
Called redemptionless
No Lethe to sleep and forget
No Mnemosyne and regret
No Acheron pours full in force
The pain of a thousand souls in its course
For the font of Phlegethon is deeper still
Darker than the night
Sweeter than rue
As fragrant as a corpse
With irony glued
Together piecemail and rough
A phantom to walk
And feed on the lost
For here in Hell there is much to fear
The wicked deceivers
The red handed killers
Those who would be a false friend
Those who make this a darker end
But then there are those more feared than Death
the dark master who brings all rest
They are those who are drunk on the damned font
Those who have tasted and hungered and hunt
Those who have gone through the flame of desire
Those who have gone through the pain of the pyre
Those who have traded their left eyes for vision
Those who have eaten the fruit of derision
Those who have no more love in their soul
For their soul has been traded for the burning coal
Taken from the hearth of that flaming band
Taken from Phlegethon's burning hand
Do not speak to them when they are found
Do not near them wherever they be bound
Do not look into their darkened eyes
Do not stop to say your goodbyes
For the beasts are loose upon the world
Their flaming tongues now uncurled
And they will not spare you
They will not even think
And when they kill you
They won't even blink
Flee from the flames
Before they reach you
For soon comes the day
When you will drink too





Monday, August 29, 2011

Bricks in the sand

Pick it up
Put it in
Grind the gravel in between
And let run the sand
Put down tar
Put down mortar
Pick it up
Put it in again
Today is not a day
To let bricks lie scattered in the sand
Pick it up
Pick it up again
Slide it in
Smear more on
What? No more water
Use your tears then
Your tears in the sand
Make more mortar
Pick it up
Put it in
Don't dare drop
Not a single brick in the sand
Hear the hushed wind behind you
That is their collective sigh
The ones who rely on your progress
Without you like bricks in the sand
Pick it up
Pick them up
Pick yourself up from the sand
Now is not the time
To run out of sand
Keep it going
Keep on walking
Pick them up
And slide the cogs in and
Set their gears in motion
Keep it running
Keep on moving
Don't stop working
Slide the bricks on the sand
This is your fate now
This is your life now
Making bricks from the sand
There was never more
There is never more
And nevermore will there be
Anything in this wide world
Other than bricks, and sand, and men


Wait

What are you doing?
Pick back up those brick on the sand!
Are you crazy to drop them
Crazy to mock them
Crazy to lay down and die in the sand
Get up at least
Get back to building your wall
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
Stop your running?
Running from the sand
It is never ending
It is never failing
It is never breaking
These bricks and the never ending sea of sand

Friday, August 26, 2011

Lenore's Curse

Round and round
These thoughts keep turning
These feelings keep churning
And I wish that for a second
However brief
This spinning would stop
And grant me relief
These echoes that should
By now have died down
But no matter how I plant my feet
My head and heart keep spinning round
And round and round
Endless the loop and unchanging the cycle
Of the path that goes on forever
And while I hope that the end draws near
I still hear you say, "never, never"

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Apposite Ness

There is a little thistle bush
Above the roaring sea
And this tiny little thistle bush
Hung high and precariously
Its fingers dug into the stone
The mammoth standing all alone
Its mighty face unmoved by shadow
The storms above the sea far below
While this small little thistle bush
Hung between the sea and sky
And this bristle little thistle bush
With roar of waves and sea bird cry
No longer could recall its own life story
How it came to rest upon the promitory
From distant lands bathed in spice
Where inscenced air infused all life
And flowers tropical and large
Perfumed the sail of junk and barge
That sailed the rivers twixt collumns bare
Half eaten statues of the Huntress and the Hare
Where lazy ivy coiled round long lost words
Recalling songs only the stones had heard
Was this the home from where this bush hailed
Upon the wind's delicate wings had sailed
And carried aloft by the wonton breeze
Into the feathered arms of the night, its ease
Did take in the frosty vaults of the star's abode
Pulled in the celestial maelstrome around the lode
And there in boreal frosty heavens it brushed
Upon telesian trails trod by angels hushed
And there it sought it's roots to grasp
And draw the ambrosia that drips from angelic gasps
But the celestial glass would afford no hold
And the frozen star's of heaven were too cold
And so departing from the gates of the night
It continued on it's sojourning flight
Long was the night that led to the dawn
Long was the wait until new life was reborn
Long was the trail that the thistle seeds took
For earth could not compare once upon heaven looked
And finally caught up in the fickle Zephyrian bands
That swept it amidts clouds of these foreign lands
Where the flash of Jove cut the clouds with fire
And the rain fell as stones while the wind roared with ire
And the sea churned white with foam and dread
And the stirrer of storms called forth the drowned dead
And amidst all this there was caught the thistleseed
That searched for any place to land and bleed
Until the wind buffeted it against the iron cliff face
And over and again it felt life to be erased
But then as darkness enclosed the husk
And the light of day was enveloped in dusk
There was a second spark then born
As the seed then was completely transformed
And so the little thistle bush came to rest
Upon the cliff face that all life did detest
And it clung there with all of its might
Burned in the day and frozen in the night
But it refused to give up its desperate fight
And instead was changed into the painter's delight
For with raging sea foam crested below
And churning heavens with sunlight aglow
And unmoved antedeluvian cliffs of stone
A single bush of green persevered alone.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Can you hear me?

This is the desperate cry
The call echoing through the night
The breaking day that needs to be let out
The rising fall of my heart tonight
That rises to scream and shout

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me now?
Can you feel me?
I'm right there in the dark
When the world is
Falling in and apart
I am right here
By the beat of your heart

Follow trails of glowing footprints
Gretel, Gretel take hold of my hand!
Follow trails of frozen tear drops
To where the dark house waits in a dark land
Follow the sound, if you can even hear
Follow the sound of the beating heartbeat
Follow my voice and know I am near

Trace the tears upon your pillow
And spell my name with salty line
Whisper my name to the nightdarkness
And promise to always be mine

And then you will find me
And then you will find me
And then you will find me
And I will appear
And then I will hold you
And then I will hold you
And never
Ever
Ever
Let go again

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear my whisper on the breeze?
Can you feel me?
Can you feel me?
My heart beating, breaking for these...

Monday, July 18, 2011

Excerpt from Judas (Short Story, Full Version to Follow Soon)

The wheel on the shopping cart needed to be oiled badly. It squeaked in a rhythmic pulse like a bird being buffeted by a metrenome. Jake tried to ignore it as he walked down the isle. The florescent lights overhead flickered slightly. Flickering in time to the bird-metrenome-wheel squeak. As he walked past the shelves, littered with the remains of the once bountiful produce isle, he barely registered the field of scattered beans his squeaking wheels were navigating towards the back.


“Ah. My favorite customer.” the swathy man in a smeared and stained green apron beamed as he greeted Jake with a smile that was all teeth.


“Your only customer.” Jake corrected him with a glare.


Along with the sighing, the glaring was a recent addition to his face’s repottoire. His normally passive eyes had learned a fiery new shade of blue when they locked onto their target.


“Of course. And I am most obliged to that fact.” the man said his eyes disappeared into the widening smile. “What can I get you today?”


“I’m looking for truffles.” he said, scratching the back of his hand as he thought of the loud cookbook. It had been a present from Marie and Jude.


“Ah! Manefique! I have white and milk chocolate ones!” the man said as he turned around to go fetch the aforementioned treats.


“No, I mean the mushroom type. I need black truffles.”


“Hmmmm, well that.” The man said rubbing his unshaven chin between his thumb and forefinger, “That will cost you.”


“Even today?” Jake asked sighing, yet again.


“Especially today!” The man threw his hands in the air, “I’ve been cleared out twice now! Look at what they did with four bags of beans. Four! Do you know how valuable those will be soon!”


“Georg, I’m sorry. But honestly, I don’t care.” Jake began saying before Georg interrupted.


“Of course you don’t! No one does!” He began sweeping as he had been doing when Jake first interrupted him, “That’s why they did this. They figure, why not, you know?”


“Anyway, what do you want this time?” Jake wanted to get home. It was almost six.


“Well, you can keep your currency. But do you have any pills?” Georg said, as his wet tongue ran across his large lips.


“Yeah. Some oxycoten from my root canal.” Jake replied, thinking about how Jude would still be in the office, even today, making those last minute calls. While Marie would be getting home from the lab soon. She was always so lonely when Jude worked late. Which was more and more frequently the last three months.


“That is perfect. I will be by to pick it up tonight.” Georg said as he shuffled behind the counter and took a large key ring from his belt. After unlocking the small door, half of his bulbous, hairy frame disappeared into the hutch. When he withdrew his face was much redder and covered in beads of sweat. But he had it. “Here you go. Hey, that bottle of pills, it better be mostly full.”


“Are they black truffels?” Jake asked, looking at the label printed in some other language.


“Black, white, what? Are you choosing now to suddenly become racist? What does it matter?” Georg said as he resumed his sweeping. “Hey, just remember, I’ll be by later tonight.”


“Before or after?” Jake said as he pocketed the glass bottle of white truffles.


“Before of course! After, well, you cannot plan for that, no. You cannot.”


++++


In the millions of phone calls caught in the atmosphere, one stood out over the rest.


“Hey, Marie, its me. Are you home already? Listen, I know Jude won’t be in for a while yet. Did you need some company? No, I haven’t changed my mind about dinner. Sure, I’m already on your side of town. See you in five. Bye.”


++++


“Oh, look, Sara! Its Jake! Hello! Hello, there!” The old woman called from her chair on the porch.


Jake was just rolling out of his beat up, blue pick up, when he saw the familiar, pruned face waving him from next door. Jude and Marie’s neighbors took a keen interest in Jake. They had since the first time he had come over to visit Jude and Marie, after they had just bought the house. Marie’s first. Jude’s fourth. He liked to impress whenever possible. And Marie was easily impressed.


“Hi. I’m just stopping by to see Marie.” Jake called out as he waved.


“Of course, of course you are.” The one called Sara said as she shuffled towards the door, leaning on her walker while trying to adjust the shawl hanging open. “But first, could you be a dear and help us with this. It seems Katie turned the internet off again.”


“I’ll be right over.” Jake said as he couldn’t help but smile. He quickly beat out a text message and bound up the neighboring houses’ steps.


“Thank you, dear. Would you like some tea?” Katie said as she sipped from the rose strangled cup.


“No, thank you.” He said, scratching the back of his head.


“Of course not! Not today. Today he wants some whiskey!” Sara said shuffling back from within the house, a bottle in hand. She poured two shots of the amber liquid, one for him and one for herself. “Today we don’t worry about our poor hearts.”


“My heart is fine.” Jake said as he threw the shot back, savoring the cool burn along his esophagus.


“Is it?” Katie asked, peering wide eyed over the rim of her tea cup, “I don’t think its been fine for quite some time.”


“I mean,” Jake struggled, blinking a few times before taking the bottle from Sara and pouring another shot, “I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.”


“Well, we will find out tonight, won’t we.” Sara said, taking the bottle back and pouring another shot for herself as well, “Well, the two of us won’t. Even if we do see morning, we’re old. We can’t even do the skype right. We can’t learn how to live all over again.”


“We’ve had a good run, though.” Katie said, putting the cup down, and taking Jake’s hand, “But you still have a chance. Who knows, maybe tonight might be the right time.”


“Why do I have the feeling like there’s something you’re not telling me?” Jake said, feeling the slowing buzz at the back of his head.


“You should run along, dear.” Katie said, pulling him closer and placing a wrinkled kiss on his cheek, “Marie will be waiting. And Jude will be home soon.”


“Take the bottle,” Sara said, “And good luck. You have balls, Jake. Dig deep and remember how to use them.”


++++


Jake opened the door without knocking. He had had his own key since they bought the house. He spent just as much time there as he did at home anyway. Used to spend even more. From the living room he heard the sound of a female news anchor drone on, despite all that was happening.


She sat on the couch, her legs pulled up, a red and pink quilt wrapped around her shoulders. She had probably handmade it. He knew that nearly half the items in the house had been made by her. Lots of long lonely nights, waiting for Mister Important to get home.


Which wasn’t fair to Jude. He was Mister Important for a reason. And the guilt Jude felt for not being there always showed itself when he was there. Jake noticed a glass of Merlot in her hand, and sighed with relief as he pulled the bottle of whiskey from his jacket pocket. Marie was usually chilly about alcohol, unless she had some herself.


“You took long.” She said without looking up.


“Sorry. Katie and Sara. You know.” He wanted to talk with her like they used to. Back when things were normal. But the news caster’s voice broke the spell with healthy doses of reality.


“...as there has been numerous reports of burglaries and fires throughout the city. Authorities say there is just not enough manpower on the ground to combat the rise in crime and according to several witnesses, police officers took part in at least one of the cases of armed robbery...”


“Georg’s was hit twice today.” Jake said after taking a sip.


Marie loosely acknowledged his bottle with a roll of her eyes before answering, “Jude says that it should not be a surprise. He said this is why we shouldn’t inform people.”


“What do you think?” Jake asked, taking another sip.


“The neighbors left their dog. It’s in the backyard, howling away as if the world is ending.” Marie said, taking a sip from her glass. “They went to the mountains and just left it.”


“Didn’t you try to warn them?” Jake said, “I mean, I thought that Jude had said that–”


“Of course we tried!” Marie said, closing her eyes as if she was in pain, “But when you’re frightened, suddenly, even if two PhD carrying members of the Advisory Council tells you its a bad idea, you are going to run with the herd. Its just the mentality. You know I wrote a thesis on that. Herd Instincts and Its Effects on Human Motor Functions.”


“So, when will Jude be home?” Jake asked, looking into the glassy eyes staring at the images of fires and broken window panes.


“He has to push the button. The big red one.” She said, putting her glass down, and standing up with a slight wobble, “Then he gets to come home and see me like this.”


“Okay, you need a glass of water.” Jake said, jumping up and grabbing her around her small waist.


“You know, Jake, there was a time when you actually made me j–” but the rest of her words were drowned out by her bending over double and puking on the white egyptian cotton rugs.


“How many did you have?” Jake said catching sight of the nearly finished bottle under the table. “Come on, lets get you upstairs and cleaned up before Jude gets back.”


++++


Jake looked outside at the small square of green lawn. The brilliant green was mottled by bright yellow spots of dead grass. It had been like that the day he helped move the couch in on top of those egyptian cotton rugs that were now thwacking away on the inside of the washing machine.


“Just leave them.” Marie had said as she wave him off while slumping backwards on the finely embroidered bedspread. “It doesn’t matter.”


“I know.” Jake had said, but still put the rugs in anyway, measuring the exact 4 ounces of detergent needed and then rinsing out the measuring cup before placing it perfectly next to the orange detergent bottle. “Now, it’s your turn.”


He hesitated as she turned and held her arms up. He took hold of the bottom of the thick, beige sweater and began rolling it up over her milky skin, where tendriling trails of freckles wove across her back. He fumbled with the clasp of the black bra, averting his eyes as he gentle turned her around.


After staring into his downcast eyes while he worked to undo her slacks, Marie finally slurred, “Do you have to tell him today?”


He looked up, her green eyes dancing as they tried to keep him in focus. He merely finished undressing her and wrapped her in a thick white bathrobe, leading her to the ornate bathroom. Most of the sinks and fixtures had been his handy work. Jobs that would have taken Jude the better part of a day to finish, he had finished under an hour. But even if Mister Important did have the time, he just didn’t like working with his hands like Jake did. The thought made him smile.


“Here, let’s get some water running. You’ll be fine after a nice soak.” Jake said, turning the faucet on and letting the rumbling water splash and splatter as it pooled in the large tub.


“You know. I wait for him. Everyday.” She said as she leaned against the counter. “Everyday. Like some fifties housewife in my apron. It’s not fair. I mean, you know.”


“Yes.” Jake said, checking the temperature of the water.


“Of course you do. You’ve had to wait too. We both have.” She said, placing a hand on his back, tracing a sloppy circle with her finger.


He stopped. Looking forward in the mirror and catching her eye with the new glare of his as he simply said, “Stop. Don’t.”


She withdrew her hand and looked down. “You know, it really is pointless to tell him today. I mean, why ruin the way he sees the world. Has always seen the world.”


From outside the window, a dog started barking. Jake sighed. He knew she was right. None of it would matter. Maybe it would be better if he didn’t say anything. If some secrets were taken to the grave. Jude would never have to know.


“That stupid dog.” Marie squinted at the window, holding a hand up to block the light.


“I’ll go take care of it.” Jake always took care of everything, “But in the meantime, come on, get yourself cleaned up.”


Jake helped her slide into the tub of lukewarm water. She raised a single, thin-wristed hand and let the water slide between her fingers in large, warm drops. They sagged on her delicate fingernails before dripping down and disappearing in ripples.


“Here, take this.” Jake said, handing her a small white cup.


“What is it?” Marie sniffed the cup.


“Mouthwash.”


++++


Outside a wind was picking up, whipping up the dust in small tornadoes that tumbled across the pavement before dying on the grass. Jake walked across the lawn towards the line of the faded fence. Before today, this fence would have been re-stained and sanded by the Mallers. But they had gone crazy, just like everyone else. Nobody cared anymore. Jake got to the door and he heard the eager anticipitory huffs of the dog’s panting breath as it ran closer. He placed his hand on the wood of the door and it began whining, scratching at the wood as it sniffed across each slat and crack between the wood. Its desperate pleas to be heard.


“Hi there, boy.” He said, putting his hand beneath the wooden door.


A warm, pink tongue hungerly flicked across his skin. He was surprised by how dry it was. It was thirsty. A prisoner begging for a drink of water. Jake reached up, over the door, to see if he could reach the latch to open the door, but it was just out of reach. The dog began panting more, giving a bark as if to say, “Don’t leave me. Don’t forget about me. I’m still here. I’m still here”. Jake found a thin branch nearby and tried to force it through a crack in the slats of the door. It pushed through but the latch still wouldn’t budge. The Mallers were a paranoid family, firmly believing that their home was surrounded by thieves. As such, they had put the most high tech anti-burglary door latch on the outside door. There would be no way for Jake to get in.


“I’m sorry, boy.” Jake said after the eighteenth failed plan, sitting down against the door, his chest rising and falling to the dog’s panting.


The animal grew quiet, as if it understood. A wet snout suddenly pushed its way under the door and shuffled around till it found his hand. It pushed into the palm of his hand, withdrew, and then pushed in again, settling there this time. As if the dog was saying, it’s okay, I tried a lot too.


“Hey, don’t give up.” Jake said, scratching the top of the muzzle, “We can make it through this. I’ll find a way out for you. I promise.”


++++


“Where’s that shallow bowl you used last Halloween for your floating cupcakes?” Jake asked as he walked into the kitchen and began opening and closing cabinets, looking for the bowl.


“Why?” Marie in her white bathrobe asked obviously more sober, toweling her long brunette hair down with the thick towel.


“The dog needs some water.” He said, finding a metal fondue bowl and deciding it would do.


“Forget about it. It’s not bothering me that much.” She said, flipping her hair over and toweling it further.


“Its not you I’m worried about.” Jake said, filling it with water at the sink.


Marie looked up, her hair hanging like a curtain on the side of her head as she scrunched it dry. “I’m not a horrible person, you know that right.”


“I do.” Jake said, looking up at her, “But you still think I shouldn’t tell him?”


She ran her fingers through her hair while closing her eyes, “Fine. Tell him. But just keep in mind that when you do, he will suddenly realize his best friend has been lying to him for years. I’m sure thats the way you want him to see you right then and there before its all over.”


Jake looked down as the water spilled over the edge of the metal fondue bowl and onto his wrist. He closed the faucet and walked back outside. After sliding the bowl underneath the wooden door he walked back into the living room to find Marie, still in the bathrobe watching the news again.


“Alright, you’ve had enough. Come on, turn it off.” He said, reaching for the remote.


“Wait, here it comes.” She said, not breaking her gaze from the screen. “He’s about to do it. To tell them. Officially.”


Jake sat down next to her watching the screen dominated by the figure of an old man standing behind a consul, speaking to the flash of cameras.


“...and so we have here today, the President and CEO of GlobalNet Industries, Jude TerBlanche.”


There was mixed clapping and camera flashes as the old man stepped down and the much younger man stood forward. Jake had always joked that if Jude failed in business he could always become a model. The absurdity being that they both new Jude never looked good in pictures. But today. Today he carried himself well in front of the cameras.


“Thank you.” His soft, slightly timbred voice buzzed across the airwaves, rebounding from a million satellite dishes, chorusing across all frequencies.


1,035 kilometers away in a cafe in Paris, patrons put down coffee cups and magazine to turn and face the television overhead, while protesters in the street huddled in small groups around their handheld radios.


9,626 kilometers away in the city of New Dehli, the entire evening commute came to a stand still as a million car radios all echoed the same words.


10,477 kilometers away in the city of Buenos Aires, crowds gathered around the large outside monitors outside the football stadium where the message was coming in.


“Three weeks ago, we at GlobalNet first identified a possible deviation in the path of the astroid Apophis as part of our intra-lunar space inventory. We have worked with NASA, the European Space Agency, and the Japanese Space Authority and have concluded that after striking several GlobalNet Satelites in near-earth orbit, the astroid has indeed deviated from its projected path past the earth.”


The silence was terrifying.


“Instead, it will impact the earth. Today. At approximately 6 o’clock in the evening, Greenwhich Mean Time. Rest assured we have attempted all efforts to redirect the astroid. But none have worked. We urge everyone, to take shelter. Our models predict that ground zero of the impact will be the Great Rift Valley of East Africa.”


Marie sighed, “And so now they all know.”