Saturday, November 26, 2011

Bitter Taste

This is not a night for sleep
This is a night for the breaking apart
The night when that kept in the deepest
Is finally expunged from all thought

Feel it there, that fimiliar ache
The breaking of the heart as it cries out
Feel the shortness of the breath
Feel the will to live slowly fade away

Because as love is the giver of life
Draining love is like draining blood
Slowly the warmth leaves completely
Until nothing is left but the darkest night

And the feeling and thought slowly rises
The horrid truth that no one wants to see
That perhaps that was all the love to be given
And there would be no more to be received

A life consigned apart and alone
A life to be lived in quiet contemplation
A life forever to taste that bitter truth
That we are always like this. Always.

The Final Farewell

Hello it's me again
I know its been a while since we talked
But I felt like I should call
At least to say one last thing
It's not that I want to
In fact I dread the sound of your voice
Not because it has lost its song
But because I can still taste the venom
That was left on our lips
When we last spoke
With words so poisonously sweet
So I'm here on your answering machine
Trying to leave you just one last thought
That today as I was sitting at our place
That one that smells like you and looks like me
The one we ran around in the night
The one we sat so close to the firelight
I thought of you and I began to wonder
Can I ever find anyone else to love like you?
Not to be overly romantic
I know it's a sentament as old as love itself
But to find another seems so vital
When love has been the only thing for so long
The only reason to stay alive
But now I've looked at the competition
And the truth is it's not looking so great
It's not that you were really all that special
Its just that a love built over so much time
Built like a castle with layer after layer of stone
Makes everything else afterward
Look like nothing more than a mud hut
And even as the sweetest of our memories
Comes on dainties step to my call
Following close behind is her sister, dread,
Those things I wish I could rather forget
The times when I felt like giving up
When faced against fears and uncertainty
The times when I had to give of myself
And give and give and still smile all the while
Its not to sound like some martyr
I chose this and I bore it with all gladness too
But to call it anything other than a burden
Is to make a fool and a folly of what love truly is
To love is to carry the heaviest burden of all
To love is to fear the greatest fears of all
To love is to lose the greatest part of yourself of all
To love is to die a thousand deaths over and over again
Because love is not an easy thing
No it has never been an easy thing
And the truer the purer the greater the love
The harder and heavier its burden has been
To feel a great pressure that builds so strong
That is the pressure of a love growing great
And I hate myself to thing that the reason we ended
Was because you and I were both afraid of this love
Growing so large and getting out of hand
Is it possible that maybe we needed not to let love go
But to let go of the control we so desparately craved
A thousand different paths play in my mind
What if you had
What if I had
What if we had done something different
But its too late now, isn't it
You' ve gone and I let you go
We are both to blame in all of this
Come sit and share the blame with me
We both loved so greatly
We both feared that love
Feared to get hurt
We both gave up on that love
We both let it go when we shouldn't have
And now we can both only sit
And feel the sand of regret
Run over our skin
Drying, parching, longing for that season
When we ran in the rain
When we sought Him together
When the world was simpler
But that day has passed and so has the season of our love
And I guess there's no point in telling you all this
And so I guess I won't call you back after all
And I won't leave this message on your answering machine
And you won't hear me say my final farewell
Hello, it's me.
So long, my love, my friend.

To Truly Own It

There was a time
When I would have had you come
All you who were wearied
All you who were heartbroken
And I would have spoken those words
Those words of empty comfort
Words I had no right to speak
Because they were not mine

But then I was the wearied
And now I am the broken hearted
And I feel the weariness of you
And I feel the breaking of you
And now only do I have words of meaning
Those words I have every right to speak
But I cannot speak them
They hurt too much to say

Depart from me now all of you
All you who are wearied
All you who are broken hearted
Depart from me all you who need
All you who are empty
I am only a man
I am empty just as you
We are the empty people
Created empty
Left empty
To die empty
This is who we are

Let us not speak soft words without meaning
To make a comfort that we do not own
This world is a craving and necessity
A hunger pang we can never sate
Shall we look to the brightness of morrow
When today is ashes and still so grey?
We are mortal man and empty woman
We are the sons and daughters of laborpain
We do not live in the morrow
The only day we have is the day of today

We do not own tomorrow
We can only own our today
We may stand alone together
But we will stand alone either way



Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Points

They will see this
But you never will
The desperate words I wish I could tell you
But maybe it's better this way
Because if they see me cry
They can laugh
They can judge
They can be as cruel and cold
And I can shake it off
I can stand back up
I'll trip them all eventually
Spit on their faces
As I pour the gasoline
I will always be the winner
But not you
I couldn't
Which is why I guess it's better
That you never see these words I write
Because if you saw them
If you read this confession of my heart
What would you do? What could you do?
Dismiss it, and me with it
Laugh at it, make light of it,
And me with it
Mock it, scorn it, reject it
And me with it
Ignore it, leave it, pretend it isn't here
And me with it
What could you do
That wouldn't kill me too?
So let them all look in
And try to trace lines to old faces
And figure out your name
In the end it doesn't really matter
As long as you don't see this
....
But if you won't see this
Why write it at all?
Is this stupid fucking hope again?
Yes, i called it by it's real name
The hope that loves to lead men on
Before trampling them under it's hard hooves
Hope is a demon, a cruel monster
So I'll pen my words
And keep my thoughts to myself
And I'll never tell you the truth
About how I really feel
And yes maybe they can read this
And yes maybe they can figure it out
But I don't even care anymore
I'm just so fucking tired
Tired of all of this shit
I am tidally locked to you
And you continue spinning without missing a beat
Why write? There seems to be no point anymore
Why live? There seems to be no point anymore
Why love? There seems to be no point anymore

Not I

Have you ever had a secret
You wished you could tell someone
But you knew you could tell no one
And it slowly killed you from the inside
Because the only person you actually wanted to tell
Is the only person you could never tell
And so you had to keep on going
As if nothing bothered you at all
And pretend you didn't want to scream
Have you ever had those dreams
In which you were finally yourself
And no one judged you for being you
And no Provedencial eye would frown
For the shape He laid your frame in
And then woken from that world
To remember none of it was real
Except the anvil in your chest
That was still all too real
Have you ever felt like this
Probably not. That's okay.
Neither have I.
Nope.
Not me.
I'm fine.

Lachrymosa

Each day is a step deeper
The water is at my ankles, my chest
Each day it gets darker
The water is at my mouth, my nose
Each day is getting so much harder
The water is at my eyes, my hair
Each day I sink so much further
And my lungs are burning
And my eyes are burning
And my heart is burning
Water everywhere, not a single breath
Water streaming from my eyes
Pouring from my slit wrists
Streaming from my screaming mouth
Everything is silent
Everything is tranquil
Everything is underwater
And I can't get out
I can't get up to take a breath
And its killing me slowly
Day by day
Soon
Very soon
The water will cover me completely
It is coming

Monday, November 21, 2011

What was reflected in the glass

It hovers
Just there above the pulsing highway
That runs from my heavy heaving heart
To the points of my finger tips
The cool of the cut is so near
I feel it's presence like an old friend
My friend
You hover there above the artery of my soul
That bleeds across my bedsheets tonight
Runs along the contours of my blanket
And streams in long, thin streams
To the pools on the cold floor
That dripping sound is an empty echo
As empty as the memories of us
So rich in potential
And yet here we are
Or more accurately here I am
Your oblivion is envious
Your careless acts like a million shards of glass
I can only crawl across this hard floor
Snatch up each shard as a precious memory
And slowly drain away all feeling, all pain
I am beginning to lose hope for us
Not that there was any there to begin
But the more I lie here
Under their heavy gazes
The more I understand that that future was never real
That it was a virtual future
A game that I played in my head
Where only one ending was ever sure
But I refused to even think about it
Because I knew that reality burns much too hot
And you cannot hold it for too long
Before it marks you, scars you forever more
But I have beat reality at its game
I have drawn my own scars already
Form their lines according to my designs
But even now there are still these two beating arteries
That somehow refuse to connect
And I am loosing hope for them
I am loosing all my hope
And soon I may give up altogether
On this hope
On this dream
On this empty life
Lying alone on the floor

Saturday, November 5, 2011

A Day

A day dawns
That needs a friend
But no friend was to be found

A day when all the saddness of the world
In faded shades of blue and grey
Seem to flood my tiny soul

When words once utter by the others
I told myself could not be true
Now seem too true

That all love fades away in the end
Some faster others slower
But in the end all

So what then is the point of love
Why play this game
That's doomed to die?

A day that needed love
And realized that there was none in the world
None at all

A day that can only end
End one way
End in glorious, endless sleep

Friday, November 4, 2011

Stay Away

You are such pure souls
I am nothing more
Nothing more than a poison
Stay away from me
All I do is corrupt
And my ever thought leads to your damntation
And though I plant a thousand seeds
Of a thousand evil intentions
Still not a single one bears fruit in your garden
Truly I am evil and you are good
Truly I have no business being near you
Except that by seeing this truth you have
That shines ever more the falseness in me
I now realise myself more fully
That I am nothing more than this evil form
Trapped inside this evil me
Stay away
Just please please
Stay

Thursday, November 3, 2011

One Word

What started this avalanche?
A simple pebble dislodged from the side
Of the mighty mountain's peak
A simple word spoken without thought
Its echoes reverberated through the valley's gape
And every tree shuddered with its sound
And nothing would ever be the same again
Snow packed down by years of frost
Laid down in winters, primal and young
Accumulated over so many years
There was so much snow, so so much
And that one word was all it took
Took to break apart those invisible walls
Those floodgates that had held all back
And then the mountain rumbled intensely
And the snow began to move after years of still
The snow slid sown the mountain with slow purpose
Like the white bridal gown sliding off tender shoulders
That rumbling, churning, wall of destruction
Dislodged danger summoned by a word
A single, simple, lonely little word
It broke the mountain's face apart
And revealed the granite hidden for so long
And the tumbling, grinding, insatiable snow
That broke away trees planted in nice neat rows
It cascaded over lodges, over pines and burrows
Nothing was scared nothing was spared
The destruction was coming to all the same
What started this avalanche this painful metaphor?
One word was all it took on that day
One word from you is all it's ever taken

Decentralizaton

In twilight hours
The flame flickers
And my thoughts flicker in time
And keep the steps of the dance
The dance of the flame

And it follows paths construed in early days
Passing through notebooks long forgot
Back to a boy riding the bus
Who dared to ink paper, oh so young

And dared to pen the words he knew nothing about
Words such as love and pain
Words such as life and the emptiness behind it all
Words about words

I have looked for this little boy
I would sit under his wide arching brows
And listen to the wisdoms he would teach
How I long to find him again

Have you seen him, o flittering flame?
Where he might be?
I sit here and hold my first grey hair
And wonder, how soon is my story told?

Morose thoughts for such a night
When the universe keeps spinning
Regardless of where I am here or not
Life goes on as if I were no more

So why should I think myself so tall
So smart to have found the meaning of poesy
I shall recline in glorious slumber with my fathers
And rest in the earth, that ever vault of man

And the earth shall not be bitter to my taste
For I know it goes on without me there
How relieving to know this simple fact
That the world truly no longer revolves around me