What We Saw in the Epilogues

Shall I speak again
Of that old familiar feeling
The apropos of desire
The emptiness of getting what you asked for
But whose fault will it be today
You look around the room that's empty
Void of empathy and pain
And the desire to do anything at all
Again I shall sing
Of the void in the place called joy
The fear of feeling unfulfillment
When you've finally found success
The joy is in the journey
The destination is a rocking chair
In an empty room
Colored sepia and full of sand
And the finest film of dust on all your favorite memories
Caught forever in an unfocused lens
Shall speaking I again sing
Of that simple pleasure in adversity
Knowing who to hate and what to be
Knowing where the goals are and which mountain to climb
Never reaching the top
To sit down wrapped tight in ennui
The bittersweet hollowness of purpose complete
I sing and speak again
Of the postpartum pain of accomplishment
And you find yourself the mother
Who dreams of murdering her child
To throw away the baby clothes
And start all over again
What will you do to feel purpose
What will you do to feel desire
What are you willing to do to feel that joy
And know you'll never know the peace
Of knowing the emptiness will always find you
On the other side of desire

Mulciber's Lament

Two birds 

Trapped on a telephone wire

Called my selfishness 

Were I but man enough 

To give them reason to wing

A gentleman does not hug a lady 

Unless asked 

A gentleman does not refuse a lady

Any service he can bring 

Can I then impetuously 

Lead lambs astray 

Knowing full well the Wolf's waiting maw

Drips ever crimson 

And still yet desires all the more

Dainty is the flesh consumed here 

Tender the hearts rent of veneer 

And all facades now cast as masks

Down to the dust and all that remains 

Is her soft crying in lonesome night 

Were I a gentleman and not a fiend 

I'd make a noise, these birds take flight

Or else with some hunters charm 

Their locks undone their cage unbarred

And setting wing upon the wind

Give flight to these and to their end 

A new home found in climes more mild

Where torpid breaths of winds beguile 

And makes the hours to wax and wane 

While dolset tunes and songs refrain 

This dolorous night no more to know

These wire rakes make way for hope

But I am a fiend cut of darkest cloth 

And night herself by my brooding doth 

Declare these paltry rhymes a show

Unmoved my pieces 

Still plotted my course 

Remains ever fixed by an ill omened star

Affixed as a rusty nail to heavens vaults

Betimes found wandering within the dawn 

Or hidden to hesperidian antipodes

Far flung it's evil radiance cast

To make heavy the hearts of maidens chaste

Ever mine the evil day

Ever maiden cursed my name 

For still in seeing the image base

The eyes in the glass no path can trace

Nor mode or manner or vitality find

Nor wellspring of virility in my mind

To see such wicked and infernal ways 

And make no change in course now set

Into the storm

into the den 

Into their sweetest heartbreak once again 

Two birds ensnared by the fowlers line 

Two delicate hearts quiver and repine  

The Archer and Her Arrow

My bow
You sent me out
A flying comet across the night sky
My dreams
High and lofty full of prophecy and praise
You shaped on softest mind
And I thank you
For you molded wings for me to fly
And now I am soaring with the planets
O so very high
And you fear the cold of space
And the airless existence seems death to you
But do not fear
You could not imagine the heights
Of the trajectory that you have set
Nor can you control
The arrow once loosed from your arms
It's ending aimed for but alas unsure
I am flying
And I thank you for your high aim
But please despair not so
Weep not these bitter tears
For you imagined me an arrow
Never realizing you gave birth instead
To a rocket
And I shall ascend into the highest
Heavens vaults will not be strange to me
I shall walk upon the paths of stars
And breathe again the air empyrean
And I know you fear
That what comes up must also comes down
And my Phaeton fate makes you beat your breasts
For the Morningstar's glory is also my own
And like he, I know I am doomed to fall
Fail and be cast from the azure vaults
Fail and fall as a beacon burning bright
But I know the risk
That to truly dance with galaxies
And taste the icy airless night
I must rise above the stable tree tops
Pass over the birds of the air
Break the gates of the firmament
A blazing comet into the sky
And gravity then for a time
A stranger to me must remain
But there is a time and season for everything
And the risk is almost set so sure
That my flightpath may not endure
Descending again as all arrows should
Where I fall no man to mark my place
Burned-up entirely on my reentry
Transformed from this woody frame
Into the glory and brilliance of flame
And from the fire then joined with the air
A sweet oblivion and the endless flight
O weep not woman
For my falling then shall not be my failing
For flying high enough to burn then
Means flying forever and never falling down again
I know the risk that I now take
I know the journey is not the fate
You would have wished for me
But glory in that this flaming dart
Which shall illuminate for a time mankind's dark
And then join with the free molecules of the sky
Was shot from the arms that are thine
Glory in the arrow and glory thou my bow
Raise up they eyes so cast low
And this one thing assured know
My journey was never my own

Everlasting

Removed for submission to magazine

The Girl in the Ghost House - Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The house was quiet by the foot of the stairs except for the occasional creaking that came from the old wood. The cat that sat on the stairs looked lazily down towards the part of the wall covered in cracks, where Lacrymosa, the girl behind the painting, was standing staring up at a corner where the ceiling was flecked and stained.

“No, I really think it looks more like a butterfly. Or a moth.” She giggled sending more cracks along the wall, “I saw some once. When I was in the Conservatory. When William came and let them all free.”

The cat didn’t even seem to see the stain. It just kept licking its paw. Lacrymosa was about to say something to the cat about it when there was a flutter of wings in the air in front of her. A flutter of black wings. The cat hissed and disappeared.

“Oh, it’s you.” She smiled. “I was wondering when you’d come visit me again.”

Translucency

So here we go
I'll tell a bit more
Because curiosity
And that true concern
Leads to common ground for all
And understanding that we all cry sometimes
And hurt from the same wounds
At least a wise woman said this once
Her words in passing forever burned on my mind
Loosing lips once locked for fear
That other would not care
So here we go
I'll tell a bit more
Common truths no more ignored
And clarity infuse my soul
Baring all unto the world
Casting myself in the hands
And the eyes of strangers
This is the price of honest
And meaningful writing
This is the price of fame
And meaningful impact
A price to be paid in full
My mark is set and goal in sight
Though miles still mark the distance to get there
However, the cost is present
Ever hanging bout my neck
And I shall bare it and bare all
Unto them and unto myself
Let loose the things even I
Have hidden from myself
Learn to show it all
Learn to let go

The Counter-Argument in the Mirror

"We can't build on this."
She says as she traces the concrete
Her fingers sliding inside
The deep cracks spreading far.

"Our foundation is broken."
She says as she stands there
And looks at him and shakes her head
And then she says,

"Help, I think I'm in love
With a descriptive grammarian
While I know I can never
Abandon my prescriptive roots."

And I say to her, "You're right
Of course this is more important
Than love and happiness and art.
Juliet, hold firm to your Capulets."

"Our foundation is shaky."
She says as she wraps her ams around
Herself hugging away the cold
And says of him again,

"Help I think I'm in love
With a liberal loving socialist
Who thinks it's okay to laugh
At things like capitalism and competition."

And I answer her, "You're right
In fact I think I've heard him whisper
Communistic whispers in darkest night.
Time to start building your wall, Berlin."

"Our foundation is cracked."
She says as she turns to think
About maybe actually walking away
But pauses to say,

"Help, I think I'm in love
With a man who prefers Versaille to Oxford
And Paris over London
And the Neoclassical over the Victorian."

And I answer her, "You're right.
And the channel is too wide to swim
So let another hundred years war begin
Before you become the Countess of Calais."

But then she pauses and stops
And doesn't say anything and I can tell
She's thinking about all of my answers
And maybe within them sees my true meaning

"You think that it will be alright?"
She whispers and looks around
"Even with all these cracks
Spreading across the ground?"

"We are two people
Not two puzzle pieces
We are complex and intricate
And no one will ever be a perfect fit.

So what if my school of grammar
Or finances or society or art
Is not the same as your own
When has that ever meant a thing to love.

So do not fear the cracks
Because everything in the world is cracked
And as the great poet said
It's the cracks that let the light in."

Now I turn to myself standing arms crossed
Shaking my head in the mirror at myself.
"Help, I think I'm in love
With a prescriptive grammarian."

And my other self shakes my head and says,
"Don't make excuses about philosophy or art."
And I know I am right and have to speak the truth,
"Alright, fine. Help. I think I'm in love again."

The Spark

There once was a boy
Who walked through his world
With a thick coat of armor
Like the shell of a turtle
And he would not let
Any man or woman
Cross through the shell
And touch him
From where came this shell?
Many have wondered
Perhaps from his past
Or a family so cold
Perhaps from his pain
And the hope to avoid more
Perhaps he simply
Did not like to be touched
Whatever the reason
He walked through this world
The turtle boy
With the aching desire
To hold someone close
And let them inside
Let them cross o'er the threshold
And enter his courts
And finally hug someone
The way he wanted to be hugged
But he couldn't just let anyone
In through the doors
He waited and watched
And his reputation grew
He was the untouchable
The one in the bubble
And no one could cross it
Even when they thought they could
He was alone in the crowd
And he hated the feeling
But he could only ever
Let one person have the key
To draw close to him
And break the turtle spell on him
But the last two squandered
And wasted the gift
The last two had thrown away
The key to his hugs
And so he was reluctant
To let anyone else in again
And he thought to live his life
Out in the walls of his shell
Never feel the touch of human
Or the warmth of a hug
And then came the night
Tonight in the cold
When the hug was offered
And he decided to be bold
And he gave her the key
That self same one thrown aside
And he told her it's okay
And she could hug him anytime
And the coal he thought dying
And the flame he thought without hope
Burt forth into life
And the inferno could awake
So shall it awake?
Once more to burn bright
Maybe it will
Was touched by hope tonight
Maybe a bit of slumber
Maybe just a bit of sleep
Till morrow sweet rising
The answer will keep
For tonight the coal glows
And it's warmth is sustained
For tonight there is love
And it may bloom again

Ultimatum

So let me just go ahead and say it
Hi
I'm bi
Big deal
Not really to me
But seems to be
To so many others
And unfortunately
I really don't care
Because it doesn't change
Who you know me to be
I'm gonna keep watching scary movies
And drinking wine over beer
I'm gonna keep listening to Amanda Palmer
And enjoying Italian Opera most of all
I'm gonna keep cooking
And always forgetting to check on the cookies
Before its too late and I burn them again
I'm gonna leave my work boots in the foyer
And wear batman t-shirts in public
I'm gonna keep going to concerts
Alternative rock and classical too
I'm gonna keep writing stories
And poems about myself and you
So I'm sorry if this was unexpected
And I'm sorry if you feel this is about you
Because it really fucking isn't
And I know profanity probably doesn't sit well with you
But if you haven't noticed yet
I am SO done trying to tailor myself to the expectations of others
I will be considerate of you because I consider you my friend
You being that wonderfully ambiguous everyone
You being you who are reading this now
But I want you also to be my friend
And also to be a bit considerate of me
And maybe not try to force me into your view of the world
And maybe stop judging for long enough to remember what Love is supposed to be
And maybe stop judging long enough to know I love you
And I hope you can love me back enough
Not to make such a big deal about this
Don't blame yourself
Don't make it about yourself
It's not about you
It's not about me
It's about the fact that I am still the same person you know
And that nothing at all has changed
Except that maybe someday if I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend
Your reaction to this "news"
Will dictate whether I will introduce them to you
Because regardless of their gender
I will want to put my best foot forward
And not let them think I associate
With homophobes and haters
I want you to be part of my life
So don't do something that forces me
To cut you out
Because if I have to
It's too painful to prolong
So I will do it suddenly and quickly
I don't want to lose anyone
And I don't want to be the one to cut you out
But like I said
I'm so fucking done
Changing what I say and do
Trying to be someone else just for you
I like myself
And I like who I am
And that's important because for so long I didn't
But enough about me
If you really are a parent or a friend
If you really are even just a decent human being
This will be important to you too
So, who and what are you?
Let the conversation begin
---------------

Here's what someone else had to say on a similar topic.

http://saralinwilde.wordpress.com/2013/01/06/silence/comment-page-1/

Treatment

I have come here for a peel
She said as she sat down
A peel I asked what kind
She said
A peel for my rough skin
I smiled alright
Let's then begin
Lie down
Alright she said
I've sinned
Of course
I ground the base to powder
She lay in silence
And processed my confirmation
I've done things
She met my eyes with those words
I've said things and done things
And I simply kept grinding
The base to powder
And she hugged her cold self
I've told other people
She spoke in a whisper
I've had other people tell me
And I look up at her
And she's near to crying
I pour the oils into the grinder
Go on
I say as I mix in the tallow
She sighs
They've spoken such harsh words to me
I put in the tea tree and peppermint and ginger
Go on
And she cries as I crush the lilly petals
They have lied about me
And broken my trust
They have killed me
And abused my art
Over and over and over again
I let her talk
As I apply the thick paste
Smear across her forehead
Like some green anointing oil
But I tell her
She has to stop crying
So she keeps it in
No more
Tears will let her cheeks run
And she talks
About how she can't trust anymore
And I nod
As she says she can't love anymore
And I don't say anything
As she says she knows that she's changed
And I don't say anything
As she asks me if its for the better
And she asks again
If I hate who she has become
And I tell her to stop talking
Because
I have to apply it around her mouth now
And so she sits there very still
No more words or tears
Holds it all in
Like a big girl should
While I turn on the blazing lights
That hurt her eyes
And make everything else
Disappear
As the mask begins to settle and harden
Seep deep into her pores
And grabs hold firm of all the
Death
That's crawled in
And settled so long ago
And made her face so ugly
Lately
And she sits as the new skin hardens
A shell that maybe this time
Will keep things clean
Maybe
But I know the truth
As she washes it off
And is reborn with baby fresh skin
This is just a phase
A stage
And she'll be back again
And again and again and again
For a thousand different new faces
And wash the old ones off
Renewal
Revision
Redundant
But for the moment
She is herself again
Or maybe the self she wants to be
For a moment her skin dances
With peppermint and tea tree
And she feels reborn to the world
And I do not answer her questions
I do not ruin this moment for her
I do not think I want to

Her Conversation With Grace

She is so far above me
My thoughts do not even dare
To turn and view her
With anything but highest reverence
Oh Magnificent, I know it is an afront
To call you goddess
Because even that title is made base
When brought before your grace
Your Grace
The only title I shall whisper in the night
Never have I known man or woman
Who could make me feel so base
My secrets are clumsy and dull
And yet still you hear them
And for whatever reason known only to you
You still smile upon them
And can I tell you a secret, O sweet Lady
You are the only one left
The others have all gone
No one else even cares anymore
And that's okay
I'm fine with that
Surprisingly fine actually
Where once a vast see of droll faces
Now remains one true and constant friend
And I had thought I would prefer the crowd
But I guess maybe I don't know myself
Nearly as well as I thought I do
So maybe shifts in my perspective
Won't make her any lower
She is still Her Grace
But maybe that brings things in alignment
Sets us both on the same plane
So we now can stand face to face
And so I may steal a little of her Grace

Catharsis

What have I done

These words capture forever in the black

Courier is such horrid font

To imprison the past in

And yet here I have done it

Am doing it again 

There's some meta for you

Take two and don't call me in the morning

It begins with a simple thought

Reread what I have written

Don't let the past affect the poet any longer

My warden finally laid to rest

And I convinced myself quite nicely

That the manacles had not existed

At least at first I did

But poem after poem 

All of you my darling dears

Three loves have ever held my heart

Three loves have never let go

And three times have the breaking happened

Three times I promised never again 

Here I am again

I see some more of you

The others I almost pursued

Thank God I never did

The regret of not having pursued is great

I revel in it because it makes you all so real

And validates my pathetic poems

Because when I reread them

Specifically the ones written for her and him and her

I feel the breaking anew

And the blood begins to burn

It's so strange

I don't love two out of three anymore

But they burn the most of all

Not anger

Not regret

The hodgepodge of anguish 

The pain and anxiety and dread and exhiliration 

Coure like ice through my veins again 

I am back in that moment

When I first knew beyond a doubt I loved you

When I first knew I didn't love you or you didn't love me

Or that we loved each other but just not enough

And the liquor of life's sweetest mistakes courses through me

And makes me long for days that never actually happened

And for memories I have colored false shades of gold or grey

But I have read all of them

I have read the story of me

It is an show in selfishness

Told in three acts called by three names

And I burn again with subtly different shades of flame

And I long again for that which I never always have

And then extinguish at the end of the page

And there is nothing but soft piano music

And an empty water bottle

I lie here in the fetal position

And I dare to think

Maybe I am finished

Maybe no more tears to cry

Maybe this time it really means healing

And the end

Not to forget 

But not to be chained to all three of you anymore

Maybe just one

A spark of hope remains

A flame of love carried from the first

Passed to the second just in time

Passed to the third before the others were put out

A last lasting flame

With no foreseeable fuel in the future

Maybe this truly is the end

Maybe this ember will smolder

And finally find rest

It's not that I want it

It's not that love was ever so bad

Poison makes us stronger

And teaches me to say, "As you wish"

But with no other love in sight

No haven to steer to or star to guide my way

I have this final one to look to

As it grows dimmer and dimmer

Smaller and smaller

And maybe soon will finally go out

And maybe that means freedom

And maybe that means the end of love for good

Or maybe it means this love is finally done

This way of loving

This selfish love that I can't seem to shake

Maybe this flame ends to clear the fireplace

And scrape out the old, poisonous residue and ash

No more asbestos to burn

And place the fresh pine in the hearth

Drench it with holy annointing chrism

And set a completely different blaze

I can't say for certain

All I know is I think something is ending

I think something may finally be done

But I can't be sure just yet

Sometimes you're sailing out of the storm

And sometimes it's just that you've reached the eye

So I will go sailing on 

Following the last star

Before morning comes

I'm Just Wasting Time Chasing Cars

And I still can't listen to Snow Patrol without thinking of you
Though driving is easier as long as it doesn't rain
And I still can't watch the sunrise
And going to church is still an open wound
It's all kinda of funny really
You'd think two years would be time enough
To pick up the pieces again
And make new memories
But I still can't listen to Banana Pancakes without thinking of you
Though climbing trees has only gotten harder
And there are whole streets of Beaverton
That I can never walk down again
And it's all kinda of sad really
I had hoped that maybe your memory would fade
And what's saddest of all is I can't keep wondering
If you are having the same troubles as I am
Are large boxes on Valentines Day a death to you?
And is that small pagoda we found on the lake in Davis off limits now?
Are there streets in Novato you can never walk down again?
Do you still go back to our tree on the hill?
I know we didn't work well together
And I know in the end it was for the best
Incompatibility or maybe I just stopped trying
But I still cry when the radio plays "Lucky" by Jason Mraz
And I still wonder if it was as real for you as it was for me
And I still wonder if you aren't wondering the same thing too
And if it's hard for you to listen to Snow Patrol too

What She Said To Me

Oh you say that you're leaving
Whatever makes you happy honey
You go right ahead and walk out that door
Pack your bags and break the dishes
I'm not gonna chase you
I'm not even gonna get up
Cause we both know what'll happen
You'll be back
You can't help yourself, can you
You poor pathetic excuse for a man
You're hooked and you know it
But what's saddest still is you know it
And keep acting out this farce
Fold your socks and take your toothbrush
God, you even call a cab as part of the show
But I'm sorry honey, no one's watching
So go ahead, baby, and run away to the end of the block
Sit on your suitcase and sigh like a grown man should
I'll be lying right here
Pour myself a glass of red wine while I wait
I'd shave my legs if I had any legs to shave
You can keep sitting out there in the rain
Maybe I'll have a bath in the meantime
And there's the knock on the front door
So I'll take my time, honey
Slide into my red lipstick and leather
Those stilettos that echo on the floor
And you can't even look at me as you stand there
Framed by the door frame and bathed in light
I knew you'd be back would be bittersweet words
So I say them with as little sweetness as I can
Because I am your art's addiction
And lifeline
You cannot go far without the threads coming undone
You cannot ever leave me without the colors fading
You can never go
Come and let me manacle you to your workbench again
Let me place the heaviest quill in your fingers
Drain your blood for your ink
Spread your skin as parchment
And begin where we left off
"Once upon a time there was a poet
Who found the most wonderful muse..."
Now write it! Write it just as I said!
Good....
"A muse he loved so very much."
You do love me don't you?
That's the most pathetic part of all
You poor, hopeless fool
Go on then, honey, keep loving me
And I'll feed you spoonfulls of inspiration
And when next you feel cheated and infringed on
You go right ahead and start folding your things again
Slam the door as hard as you can
Cause we both know how this ends
You'll be back
You can never leave me, honey
Never

The Girl in the Ghost House - Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The air inside of the conservatory was damp and warm and humid. The heavy glass door swung shut behind Evelyn as she stepped inside. The conservatory looked less like a greenhouse and more like a jungle, with a fogged up glass roof peaking out above the high tree tops.

Trevor stayed back by the door and scratched against it, squeaking at Evelyn in frustration. He wasn’t very happy that Evelyn refused to listen to his warnings. And she simply kept walking forward dragging Faucet with her. Trevor stamped his foot in frustration and gave a high pitched squeak before scurrying after Evelyn.

“Hello.” Evelyn stepped on a twig that snapped loudly. “Is anyone there?”

The bushes to her left began to move and Evelyn turned and backed away from them. She was a smart girl and knew there was nothing scary about moving bushes. They were just bushes after all. But what was in the bushes making them move? That could be something unexpectedly nasty. And so Evelyn backed away from the thing in the bushes.

Postmark: 2 Star, Left

She walks into the bookstore

And she's carrying her box

Filled to the cardboard rim

With pages and pages of treasures

How many hours are contained

How many tears have stained

These pages are all her friends

Her life measured in chapter titles

Her love given to imaginary heroes

Her heart given to fictional women and men

All her hours spent in her room far away

Her nights open to a thousand thousand dreams

Where she found the treasures

Wielded the ancient swords

Sailed through the starless night

And was the person she wanted to be

That person is not who she is now

Holding her box so tightly 

Her knuckles turning white

That person would not be here

Would not give up so easily

But she never was that hero

And she steps forward in the queue

Waiting for her turn with the man at the desk

Waiting to give her loves away

To grow up and become a grownup

Betraying sacred vows she had made

When she'd watched Wendy sow back on his shadow

But pirates and fairies are not real 

She's learned this painful lesson now

And she steps forward in the queue

It's not that she needs the money that badly

She does of course but there are other ways

It was what he had said 

That penultimate fight broke it

And the words that seemed too well rehearsed

Washed over her and took away part of her soul

Part of that child in her memory with the books

Maybe with time and perseverance she could

Once more find herself in that world

But she doesn't have the time anymore

Maybe that is really what growing up is about

Running out of time to remember how to imagine

And she steps forward in the queue

And she's standing in front of the bored man

He asks her to remove the books 

And doesn't even look at them as she sets them out

Delicately almost reverently tracing titles

He takes them one by one and frowns

Places them into a pile

One by one shaking his head 

Finally stopping at one and shrugging

It forms a different pile

And she feels sick to her stomach

At this division of the sheep and goats

And then it's over

And he hands back to her the box

Almost as full as she'd handed it to him

And she's awash with the feeling

Of a second chance 

And somehow of failure

A failure to fail

The only option left, to fly

She takes her $2.43 

And remembers to thank the bored man

And carries her childhood ideas and dreams

Of how the world and love should work

Carries them back out into the rain

With the box clutched close to her heart

And imagines once more

She's headed the right direction

To reach to the second star to the right

The Uncertainty Principle

A Castle made of Ice
Or Snow
What's the difference?
Permanence
Structure
The idea of Solidness
But it's Just an Idea
Like You are
Something Insubstantial
And yet so Real
I can Almost touch you
Everyday you come Closer
Build a Bridge
And I think about Crossing it
But the moat You made
Might be too Wide
I don't know
I guess I'll Try
Your pinnacles enthrall me
Your Flags somehow
Make my Heart stop Everytime
And I think I'd just love
To climb your Towers
And meet you in the Secret bower
And find you
More than Id want
To find anyone else
But this Castle you've built
Is it of Ice
or Snow
I can't tell
Oh well
Here goes the Adventure
Anyway

Pictures or it didn't happen

In response to this: Amanda Palmer 

Pictures or It Didn't Happen

Caught
Between a pair of shoulders and my conscience
and between what's happening in front of me
On this tiny silver screen
and between my mixed up life
That's had to take the back seat
For a moment
Wait
What happened?
And some part that's foreign and familiar
says that I should already know
It's happening again
*sigh*
It never stopped happening
Did it?
It feels that way
Just like when I was a kid
and I got ducked under the water
Surfaced for a second
for a frantic breath
before being pushed down under again
It is the same
It's a cold and grey kind of day
when Nietzsche looks real nice
Invites me to come lie down
and pulls out a jar of leeches
so we can silently stay there
and bleed away the darkness
And the light
Just try for hope
comes some lonely little figment
so vapor thin in this harsh light
Which ideals-
-whether naive or romantic-
stay standing under this pressing deluge
So I'll turn on Lady Gaga
Lana del Rey and Amanda Palmer
Put on some Morrissey and leather
just like Tori Amos taught us to do
Stay up late and talk about the ozone layer
Sign a petition to ban banning PETA
Or just go out and run and dance in the nighttime
Or just go and do something
Do something
Because wave after wave of horrible news
Is making me look for love
In the worst kind of places
And threatens to drown me
Unless I find the shallow end soon
In this melting Gaudi facade
So I'm gonna do something
I'm not entirely sure what yet
And that fills me with nervous
Antici......pation

What We Saw at the Freak Show

And now the part of the show
When we unveil the prestige
So sit upright and lean forward
To the precipice of your seat
To the point we drive you insane
To see what we can see
Ladies and gentleman step right up
It's the man who loves himself so
Surrounded by mirrors
He saw only himself reflected
In every pair of eyes he met
And asked constantly of himself
"Am I doing more unto others
So that they will do more unto me?"
And without a word of malice
Or the bitter taste of venom on his lips
He killed so sweetly when he smiled
So, lean forward further now
And prepare for the softest murder
By the man who had to live his entire life
Trapped inside his own body
Never learning that age old secret
Of finding the zipper at the base of his neck
Peeling away this boring flesh
And becoming the bolt of fire the rest of us are
He is the freak who cannot ever see
That the world is bigger than his backyard
And that others have feelings too
Step right up and see the world's only victim
Who has single handedly shouldered every sorrow
Every wrong committed has been towards him
Clap now as he walks by
Somehow bearing it all with such grace
He holds his head as high as he can reach
And sometimes stands on his tiptoes if he must
Throw your dollars and your peanuts
And let him know that you can see him
Don't worry at all, because he can't ever see you
Or can he, you must wonder as he meets your gaze
Perhaps he's found his zipper
And will finally join in our ascension
What a curious thing it must be, you think
To live only upon the flat of earth
How curious to see a man such as this
Who has never drank daylight with the stars
But do not fear, we have taken precautions
And he won't find his zipper if we can help it
And after all
This is all only a show for your entertainment
A funny story about the day you were there
It's not as if this is about a person
Whose skin you fear too much to crawl into
Whose eyes you fear too much to claw out
Hold up to the light
And see what color the sun is to him
Step right up, ladies and gentleman
We only ask you not to feed the freak
Any word of kindness or understanding
Will only encourage him
But then, maybe you ought to feed him daily
Help hide his zipper deeper still
After all as they say in our line of business
The show always must go on
And we are merely here for your entertainment

'Cause The Universe is Just a Lil' Coffee Shop

They set them up

People like rows of coffee cups

Standing in line for hours 

And waiting for a song

They stand around saying anything

To fill the hours with thoughts

Or maybe keep the silence off

Like rows of coffee cups

They make their faint impression there

Where the wood meets life's regression

The grain is against their thoughts

Their songs won't wait 

Like rows of coffee cups

They make no more

Hours or stands in the silence

They have no more names to whisper

People to them were nothing

But rows and rows of coffee cups

They drank too deep of some of them

Or sipped far too quick

These rows and rows of coffee cups

That seemed to never end

They broke their hearts like coffee cups

Shattered ceramic on the floor

They threw away those coffee cups

And then set them up again

It's Just TV and Tomato Soup

Removed for Submission

Never Let Go

He waited until her fingers were just in the right spot, then slammed the door shut as hard as he could. Inside the car he could see her screaming and he did his best to try to look surprised. And not to smirk as he gingerly opened the door to apologize.

"Kendra! I'm so sorry!" He gasped and reached for her bruised fingers she was clutching to her chest. 

She was adamant that she wouldn't cry. She held her fingers up for inspection, not because she believed his sympathy for a second, but because she wanted him to see. No broken bones. No bleeding. And it wouldn't bruise until he was gone. No sick satisfaction for him today. 

"It's fine. Let's just go." She hissed as she sat back. 

He shared a small smile with the sky as he moved around the vehicle and slid inside. He looked over at her arm crossed figure looking out the window as he set his seatbelt in with a satisfying click. Then he cleared his throat. He didn't start the car. For a second a thought walked through his mind, that maybe he should say sorry. And actually mean it this time. 

The Old Woman Inside

Excessive
They drain too much today
And what will you decide
When they ask you to play the game
Come now, love
You know you're better by far
Stop pouting on the inside
And let it show outside instead
The better to see you with
Why keep the charade going
Do you really care what they think?
Obviously not or you would care more
On the inside
Socially acceptable rules are fine
If you're having an evening dinner with fine wine
But don't tell me that happy face masks
Are the lubrication of civilization
If they be true they'll understand
Or at least they'll try
The better to hear you with
If not, maybe they aren't worth your time anyway
You seem apprehensive
And maybe just a bit unsure
Would I lead you astray, lamb
Come a bit closer to the fire
And remember you are safe here
No need for these men of straw or stone
Just pile some more wood on the fire
The better to eat you my dear

Phantasm

Oh my lovely, lonely ghost
Will you ever move on?
Depart these mortal shores
Move on
And haunt someone else
Just not me forever more
Oh, my dearly departed
This isn't how it's supposed to be
At least
Not how I would think it would seem
After all
You were the one who killed me
How is it
That I am not haunting you
Instead
You have now become so ghostly.
Beloved phantom,
Why do I feel that you will never leave me
Every sound
Every touch
Every song
Every taste
Somehow winds back
And I'm standing
On the spot we both stood
Running where we ran
And you are here again
Transparent to everyone but me
Why did you do it?
Only this one thing haunts me more than your face
Why did you do it?
I thought with time
It's all healing power
Or maybe some perspective at the very least
I might find an answer
But I still sit
Walk
Drive
Eat
Cry
Live
Write
And the perpetual question
Hovers over my mind
Was it me?
Was it you?
Was it us?
Did I change?
Or did you just change your mind?
Why?
I think I might never stop asking
I think you might never stop haunting
And I could go on and on
About how it isn't fair
Not to me
And not to the others
But I think
Secretly somewhere deep inside
The haunting presence
Of you, my sweet phantom
Reminds me
That what we had was real
And so maybe
I
I don't
Don't really want
You to go
Not yet
It's a few hours to morning yet
Stay
Sit a while
And I will live again
Through the pain from your smile

Talking About Nothing At All

Even here
In the land of acceptance
I have found my space
He says
My place
Growing up the wall
Introspection is such a selfish art
She says
And I have seen the many faces
And she says she won't cry
I have held that heart
And seen its soft tender places
And goddamn me
I was moved by his tears too
What is worst of all
I gave in so freely
What is worst of all
My heart was almost broken
C says to C how could you
Be this way
So free and innocent and so naive
C answers C what can I say
I cannot let you in anymore
Feel the closure of the door
I cannot absorb any more of you
K says to K I miss you
And I was never really jealous
And didn't mean what I didn't say
K answers K you are becoming slow
Poison to my soul
And I won't let you hold me close
I cannot hold either at all
C of K I cannot hold you at all
And I won't
You are not mine to hold
So run along little colt
K thinks of C find the wind and your freedom then
I won't stop you
I won't chase you
I won't join you
And I say to all run like the wind

Lines

Parallel lines
On opposite sides of the same page
Of a very different script
Yearning to meet
But never quite touching
Yearning for the right conjugation
Opposite sides
Of a dot on a page
The ink bled through
All the sadness and rage
And now the shortness of space
And limits of twelve dimensions
Have made a roof
Of parallel thoughts
Supported somehow
By opposing place names
And unconscious desires
So the paradox goes
Amid the dance of the nouns
And the definition of joining
Of waking in dreams
And the never ending daylight
Because trapped in the corner
Of ever true circle
Is this thought that refuses
To never die
Conjoined to truth is the ultimate answer
The sorrow of opposite lines in repose

There Is No New Years

There's no such thing as New Years

We're all just stumbling along in the dark

And hoping to find a way out the other side

But maybe that's not so bad

If we'd all just stop our mad dash scramble

Imagine

All 9 billion of us

We stop and stand in the dark

No more stepping on toes

Or scratching eyeballs in the night

We stop and stand and spread out arms out

And find each other's fingers in the dark

And let them intertwine

A living web all connected

And the dark will have lost then

Because we no longer would need our eyes

But this esoteric line of thought may be nice

But I won't follow my own advice

Because deep down I still have a fear

That if we all stopped clawing and scratching

And stood and reached out our arms

And took the hands of all those that were near

That I would be one of those poor souls

Who stumbled just a bit too far

And no one's fingers would find mine

And maybe that's what I really desire

To know that I can finally be alone

But regardless of my truest need

I won't stop and stand up to connect

I'll keep on doing it the only way I know how

I'll keep running in the dark

And stepping on toes and tearing clothes

And scratching eyes and clawing arms

Because at least when I run smack dab into someone

I know for a second that I'm not alone

And so maybe there is a New Year after all

Even if we are just stumbling in the dark 

How To Make a Sky Coat

Have you found your piece of the sky?

She laughed as she led him onward

No I have not found my piece yet

He cried as she got further

This piece I took from above Spain

When the first flowers in Granada opened

She smiled as she showed it in her palm

"Spain makes me sad." Is all he said

This piece I stole from above a church

Where the first wedding happened after the war

It was the whitest light in a century of blood

"Wars don't scare me anymore." He said

This piece fell on me just by accident

On a day I met my best friend

So I've kept it ever since then

"My friends are all liars." He mumbled to himself

Have you no piece of sky you have kept

Inside of you all these years, she cried

"I cannot keep sky in my pocket as you can."

He spoke with hatred in his eyes.

No you cannot keep sky in your pocket

She replied and took his hand. 

Only in your heart can it survive.

"The sky is too large for my heart." He sighed

Look up, right now, look up she spoke to us all

Grab that piece of sky studded with stars or clouds

It is yours now, forever to keep inside. 

And the largeness of it filled him 

"I have never felt the sky in my heart before

I have never kept something so large."

It is a gift to keep the sky each day, she smiled

And a boon to pass it on to others greater still

She knit her pieces of sky together

And made a coat of colors he'd never seen 

Her sky coat turned to wings of light

And she left him with this dream. 

What We Know

He says he's still the same person
The same person we've always known
But that's bullcrap and we know it
We don't know him anymore

He says that its just a part of him
A part we haven't got to meet
But we know all the parts to him
And this part is foreign and incomplete

And he says that its not a big deal
That what matters is what's within
But we know that if he hid this part
Then there's no knowing what else he's hid

Then he says it's true that there are other parts
And he says there are parts he might not know too
But we know that he must by lying again
And we know what we must say and do

But he says first that he's so sorry
That he knows he should have trusted us more
And we know that he's not sincere at all
And we know we'll still believe the words on his door

And he says he wants to be honest now
And he says he still loves us all like he's dying
And we say we understand and of course we do
And we know that for now, we are lying

And he knows our understanding is not true
And we know that he understands why
And he knows that if he gives it some time
That we will come to know a truth from that lie

And he knows that we are still here standing
And he knows that we are still at war with our minds
And we know that he says he will wait for us to come around
And we know that when he says that it means the opposite kind

He thinks he knows oh so many things
But we know that we know just a bit more
And while he goes on not saying all he knows
We know deep down he truly just wants us to ignore

You Will Rise

You will rise up with the morning
And you will lace up your converse, my dear
You will eat your cereal with purpose
And drink the tea each new day

Yes, you will rise up, my darling
And you'll step out of that old door
You'll put one foot before the other
On the road that goes on evermore

You will rise through the day, dear
When you're driving down the street
And you won't know why but you'll sing along
And smile at people you've never met

You will rise when comes the first challenge
The first spill or scare or angry voice
You'll breath and then you'll laugh, my darling
You will smile and that smile by choice

You will rise further onward
And when you fear you've gone too far
You'll see the message waiting
When you're sitting there in your car

And your dread and nerves now rising, dear
Your hands will tremble with delight
Because the news will finally have reached you
And you will cry because you feel so light

And you will rise, my shining beacon
Through all the mud and tears and men
You will shine like a star in the heavens
A singing constellation to guide them

And then I'll raise my sails, dear
And set my compass by your star's light
To dance with you there in the darkness
Leave converse footprints through the night

Closets Are for Narnia

It's dark in here

So light a match

Are you stupid we can't do that

You wanted light

But they might see us

He's right, just don't

What are you so afraid of

The outside is a cold place

With shoes that sound on stairs

And that's why we can't leave

That's why we can't leave?

Come on don't make that face

You know as well as we do

that the outside is not for us..

Who told you such lies?

It is truth.

Just see for yourself

Alright I think I will

No, don't! We were joking

Not the door! Not the door!

It's not so bad out here...

It burns us!

It freezes!

You're just being dramatic

It could hurt us though

So?

You don't care about us

Yes, I do but you're being ridiculous 

so come on and take a look

The outside... I think I remember

Yes, we came from out here

and we didn't always live in the dark

No... but why... why did we leave

It must have been something bad

Yes... it was something horrible

We were... we were hiding?

Yes

We were... we were frightened?

Yes

What was it?

A lie

A lie?

A lie?

A lie

And something else?

A beast. 

The dragon in the air

Is it still there?

No the dragon has been so long dead

While we slept?

Yes and now we can stand in the sun again.

I think... I think I'll like that 

I'm still not so sure

Well you can stay here longer

If that's what you really want

but I'm tired of hiding

And I miss the sunshine

Do you really going then?

Yes, I think I am.

You already know my answer.

Fine but before you go 

do you still remember our names?

Yes. I think one of us was called

"his kindness"

Yes, and one of us was called

"his compassion"

But was not one of us also called 

"his love"

Yes one of us was that

But which of us are leaving

And which one is still staying behind

I'm not sure

But at least

At least some of us are out of the dark now

Riddle Me This

And he sits in his chair and stares out the window
He doesn't even get dressed for the day
He walks around in a bathrobe with a cup of coffee
That he's spiked with a bit of whiskey and rum
And he reads the headlines but not the articles
Has dreams of tulips but doesn't ever buy the bulbs
And when he looks at you with those sad sad eyes
Have you ever stopped and wondered and asked why

Because the oldest riddle a woman asked of a man
Is what has four legs and then two and then three
Now I know the answer and I think you do too
But you still have to ask him if you ever want me

And he tells such sweet stories of his time far away
When the world was a sweet and far better place
And he loves to read books with old far away titles
And watches his shows with an eye for the details
And watched you and the other with an eye for the details
And then shakes his head with those sad sad eyes
And you know he'll keep shaking no matter how hard you try

Because the oldest riddle a woman asked of a man
Is what is above and below the water and doesn't get wet
And though this one is silly and a bit about weight
You still have to ask him if you ever want to forget

And he makes such small comments that he thinks are all fine
But he hurts you and hurts her and hurts him all the time
And yet you still love him, defend him again
Because that is your role his protector and friend
But he's already on his third leg and you know this is true
That soon he'll be gone and it'll be just you
I'm sorry my dear but I hope this isn't news
It is the way of men to fight and win and lose
And when for the last time he shuts those sad sad eyes
Is it only then my love that you will realize

That the oldest riddle a woman asked of a man
Is how do you let go when you think you can't
And how can one love supplant another
You still have to ask him if you want to keep your father

I Went to the Carnival

I went to the Carnival
To see if I could find your soul
I went to the Carnival
But they said I was too old

I went to the dunk tanks
To see if you hid there
I went to the dunk tanks
But all they sold was air

I went to the Carnival
To see if I could find your soul
I went to the Carnival
But they said you were too old

I went to the acrobats
To ask about your face
I went to see the acrobats
But they just wrote "disgrace"

I went to the Carnival
To ask what life is about
I went to the Carnival
But they turned the lights out

I went to find the magic man
Since you've disappeared
I found that old magic man
And he told me what I'd feared

I went to the Carnival
And I knew you were not there
I went to the old Carnival
And pretended not to care

I went to see the lions
I had heard that they were wise
But this said the lions
"Ash to ash and all to flies."

I went to the Carnival
But only in my dreams
I lied about the Carnival
I don't care, it seems

What I Can't Tell You

Excuse me
This is my rant
These are the things
I just keep inside
Because your fragile little psyche
Just couldn't bare
The touch of truth
And besides,
mirrors make you melt
So stand aside and cower
Cover your ears and stuff your eyes
And keep believing that everything is fine
Or believing some other kind of lie
Because this is what I cannot ever tell you
These are not words but brands
I'm almost at the breaking point
With all your tears and self blame
As if its all about you somehow
As if we disappear when you leave the room
Or the lights go out
Or you close your eyes and lay you down to sleep
I'm sorry my dear
But it doesn't work that way
We are here
And to be perfectly honest
We have just about had enough
Of your little pity party and show
Have remorse
That's fine
But the penitent posture is really unnecessary
And the flagellation hurts to look at
And have you never stopped to think
(of course you haven't)
that when you blame and hurt yourself
You don't just hurt yourself
You hurt every person who cares about you
And you drive them further away
So come now darling
Pick yourself up off the floor
No one blames you
And you are loved
More than you can ever know
But you're gonna be loved a little less
Every time you insist on doing this
So just stop it
Some things have nothing to do with you
They don't affect you
And they don't need you to take the blame
Stand up, oh woman, stand
Pick you head back up
And shake the dust from your hair
Where are your accusers now?
Except for the one in the mirror
There never really were any, were there
Stand and step up
Become the bigger person
Put aside these childish ways
Because only a child thinks only of themselves
And you haven't been a child now for a long time
It's time, my dear
And you know I only say this because I love you
Even Wendy came home in the end

Conversations on Earth, or A Poorly Written Poem

He wants to say he's sorry

You can see it in his eyes

But he's not gonna say sorry

And do you even know why

He wants to just hold you

You can already feel his touch

And even though you want it too

You know you'll reject it

Aren't we all so funny

Spinning on our blue ball

We agonize over molehills

And don't get the point at all

You can see that he wants to be

Everything you could ever ask

But you ask and then change your mind

And he's getting tired of it all

You can see that he's turning away

And you want to keep him so bad

But you know he's gonna walk soon

And you can stop him... but you won't

Aren't we all so sad

Our little ball is winding down

We took too long to figure out

How to just be happy with each other

And ourselves