To her That Claims To Love Me

A poem I wrote a while back, found it today. Its funny, though it talks about love, its more about self awareness than anything else. Also, its one of the most open, transparent poems about myself I have ever written. Because real self awareness begins with honesty. And the hardest part of being honest with myself is to look at this and realize how much of it hasn't changed since I wrote it...

To Her That Claims to Love Me

How can I make you understand
You say that you want this
That you want to be with me
But its not what it seems
I am no mystery
If I were a more open book
And you could read through my pages
What would you do
Would you still love me dearly?
I don’t think so
My moods are unstable
Up and down
I’m a rollercoaster
Depression, the monster
Ever haunts my steps
Though I admit
I often try to fight it
There are some days I wake up
And I just give in
Do you really want that?
Forever?
I’m insecure about myself
My voice is too high
My stomach too round
My cheeks too big
At least they are to me
There was even a time
Not so very long ago
That I hated waking up
And being me
Now I’ve come a long way
But there’s much longer to go
Do you really want to go?
Take this journey with me?
I’m insecure about love
And those who love me
Sure blame it on my past
But that won’t help anyone
I can cling too much
Demand too much
And though I try to stop
I cry too much too
Do you really want to deal
With all of these things?
Is your love strong enough
To weather the real me?
My self esteem sucks
As you have probably already seen
My work feels pathetic
My words feel unclean
When compared to the rest
Of these voices in the world
Why would anyone care
What mine has to say?
Could you really bare it
To live with this day after day?
The list goes on
And on
And on
And on and on
When I get weary and sleep deprived
My tongue becomes sharpened iron
Cutting all those around me
Especially my loved ones
How thick is your armor?
If I never overcomes this?
How strong is your love
Could it endure this?
No father to trace
No figure to look to
How can I ever be one
Without an example
My greatest fear
Gnawing endlessly
Would you have enough patience
To stay with me?
I will not hide it
I will not deceive
This is the real me
Now think truly
Do you want to shackle yourself
Anchor yourself
Weigh yourself down
With me?
Is your love strong enough
To withstand all the trials
That I must work through
What God’s doing in my life
I’m so far from perfect
I’m not worthy of your love
Take a good look at the real me
And decide