Bitter Taste

This is not a night for sleep

This is a night for the breaking apart

The night when that kept in the deepest

Is finally expunged from all thought

Feel it there, that fimiliar ache

The breaking of the heart as it cries out

Feel the shortness of the breath

Feel the will to live slowly fade away

Because as love is the giver of life

Draining love is like draining blood

Slowly the warmth leaves completely

Until nothing is left but the darkest night

And the feeling and thought slowly rises

The horrid truth that no one wants to see

That perhaps that was all the love to be given

And there would be no more to be received

A life consigned apart and alone

A life to be lived in quiet contemplation

A life forever to taste that bitter truth

That we are always like this. Always.

The Final Farewell

Hello it's me again

I know its been a while since we talked

But I felt like I should call

At least to say one last thing

It's not that I want to

In fact I dread the sound of your voice

Not because it has lost its song

But because I can still taste the venom

That was left on our lips

When we last spoke

With words so poisonously sweet

So I'm here on your answering machine

Trying to leave you just one last thought

That today as I was sitting at our place

That one that smells like you and looks like me

The one we ran around in the night

The one we sat so close to the firelight

I thought of you and I began to wonder

Can I ever find anyone else to love like you?

Not to be overly romantic

I know it's a sentament as old as love itself

But to find another seems so vital

When love has been the only thing for so long

The only reason to stay alive

But now I've looked at the competition

And the truth is it's not looking so great

It's not that you were really all that special

Its just that a love built over so much time

Built like a castle with layer after layer of stone

Makes everything else afterward

Look like nothing more than a mud hut

And even as the sweetest of our memories

Comes on dainties step to my call

Following close behind is her sister, dread,

Those things I wish I could rather forget

The times when I felt like giving up

When faced against fears and uncertainty

The times when I had to give of myself

And give and give and still smile all the while

Its not to sound like some martyr

I chose this and I bore it with all gladness too

But to call it anything other than a burden

Is to make a fool and a folly of what love truly is

To love is to carry the heaviest burden of all

To love is to fear the greatest fears of all

To love is to lose the greatest part of yourself of all

To love is to die a thousand deaths over and over again

Because love is not an easy thing

No it has never been an easy thing

And the truer the purer the greater the love

The harder and heavier its burden has been

To feel a great pressure that builds so strong

That is the pressure of a love growing great

And I hate myself to thing that the reason we ended

Was because you and I were both afraid of this love

Growing so large and getting out of hand

Is it possible that maybe we needed not to let love go

But to let go of the control we so desparately craved

A thousand different paths play in my mind

What if you had

What if I had

What if we had done something different

But its too late now, isn't it

You' ve gone and I let you go

We are both to blame in all of this

Come sit and share the blame with me

We both loved so greatly

We both feared that love

Feared to get hurt

We both gave up on that love

We both let it go when we shouldn't have

And now we can both only sit

And feel the sand of regret

Run over our skin

Drying, parching, longing for that season

When we ran in the rain

When we sought Him together

When the world was simpler

But that day has passed and so has the season of our love

And I guess there's no point in telling you all this

And so I guess I won't call you back after all

And I won't leave this message on your answering machine

And you won't hear me say my final farewell

Hello, it's me.

So long, my love, my friend.

To Truly Own It

There was a time

When I would have had you come

All you who were wearied

All you who were heartbroken

And I would have spoken those words

Those words of empty comfort

Words I had no right to speak

Because they were not mine

But then I was the wearied

And now I am the broken hearted

And I feel the weariness of you

And I feel the breaking of you

And now only do I have words of meaning

Those words I have every right to speak

But I cannot speak them

They hurt too much to say

Depart from me now all of you

All you who are wearied

All you who are broken hearted

Depart from me all you who need

All you who are empty

I am only a man

I am empty just as you

We are the empty people

Created empty

Left empty

To die empty

This is who we are

Let us not speak soft words without meaning

To make a comfort that we do not own

This world is a craving and necessity

A hunger pang we can never sate

Shall we look to the brightness of morrow

When today is ashes and still so grey?

We are mortal man and empty woman

We are the sons and daughters of laborpain

We do not live in the morrow

The only day we have is the day of today

We do not own tomorrow

We can only own our today

We may stand alone together

But we will stand alone either way

Points

They will see this

But you never will

The desperate words I wish I could tell you

But maybe it's better this way

Because if they see me cry

They can laugh

They can judge

They can be as cruel and cold

And I can shake it off

I can stand back up

I'll trip them all eventually

Spit on their faces

As I pour the gasoline

I will always be the winner

But not you

I couldn't

Which is why I guess it's better

That you never see these words I write

Because if you saw them

If you read this confession of my heart

What would you do? What could you do?

Dismiss it, and me with it

Laugh at it, make light of it,

And me with it

Mock it, scorn it, reject it

And me with it

Ignore it, leave it, pretend it isn't here

And me with it

What could you do

That wouldn't kill me too?

So let them all look in

And try to trace lines to old faces

And figure out your name

In the end it doesn't really matter

As long as you don't see this

....

But if you won't see this

Why write it at all?

Is this stupid fucking hope again?

Yes, i called it by it's real name

The hope that loves to lead men on

Before trampling them under it's hard hooves

Hope is a demon, a cruel monster

So I'll pen my words

And keep my thoughts to myself

And I'll never tell you the truth

About how I really feel

And yes maybe they can read this

And yes maybe they can figure it out

But I don't even care anymore

I'm just so fucking tired

Tired of all of this shit

I am tidally locked to you

And you continue spinning without missing a beat

Why write? There seems to be no point anymore

Why live? There seems to be no point anymore

Why love? There seems to be no point anymore

Not I

Have you ever had a secret

You wished you could tell someone

But you knew you could tell no one

And it slowly killed you from the inside

Because the only person you actually wanted to tell

Is the only person you could never tell

And so you had to keep on going

As if nothing bothered you at all

And pretend you didn't want to scream

Have you ever had those dreams

In which you were finally yourself

And no one judged you for being you

And no Provedencial eye would frown

For the shape He laid your frame in

And then woken from that world

To remember none of it was real

Except the anvil in your chest

That was still all too real

Have you ever felt like this

Probably not. That's okay.

Neither have I.

Nope.

Not me.

I'm fine.

Lachrymosa

Each day is a step deeper

The water is at my ankles, my chest

Each day it gets darker

The water is at my mouth, my nose

Each day is getting so much harder

The water is at my eyes, my hair

Each day I sink so much further

And my lungs are burning

And my eyes are burning

And my heart is burning

Water everywhere, not a single breath

Water streaming from my eyes

Pouring from my slit wrists

Streaming from my screaming mouth

Everything is silent

Everything is tranquil

Everything is underwater

And I can't get out

I can't get up to take a breath

And its killing me slowly

Day by day

Soon

Very soon

The water will cover me completely

It is coming

What was reflected in the glass

It hovers

Just there above the pulsing highway

That runs from my heavy heaving heart

To the points of my finger tips

The cool of the cut is so near

I feel it's presence like an old friend

My friend

You hover there above the artery of my soul

That bleeds across my bedsheets tonight

Runs along the contours of my blanket

And streams in long, thin streams

To the pools on the cold floor

That dripping sound is an empty echo

As empty as the memories of us

So rich in potential

And yet here we are

Or more accurately here I am

Your oblivion is envious

Your careless acts like a million shards of glass

I can only crawl across this hard floor

Snatch up each shard as a precious memory

And slowly drain away all feeling, all pain

I am beginning to lose hope for us

Not that there was any there to begin

But the more I lie here

Under their heavy gazes

The more I understand that that future was never real

That it was a virtual future

A game that I played in my head

Where only one ending was ever sure

But I refused to even think about it

Because I knew that reality burns much too hot

And you cannot hold it for too long

Before it marks you, scars you forever more

But I have beat reality at its game

I have drawn my own scars already

Form their lines according to my designs

But even now there are still these two beating arteries

That somehow refuse to connect

And I am loosing hope for them

I am loosing all my hope

And soon I may give up altogether

On this hope

On this dream

On this empty life

Lying alone on the floor

A Day

A day dawns

That needs a friend

But no friend was to be found

A day when all the saddness of the world

In faded shades of blue and grey

Seem to flood my tiny soul

When words once utter by the others

I told myself could not be true

Now seem too true

That all love fades away in the end

Some faster others slower

But in the end all

So what then is the point of love

Why play this game

That's doomed to die?

A day that needed love

And realized that there was none in the world

None at all

A day that can only end

End one way

End in glorious, endless sleep

Stay Away

You are such pure souls

I am nothing more

Nothing more than a poison

Stay away from me

All I do is corrupt

And my ever thought leads to your damntation

And though I plant a thousand seeds

Of a thousand evil intentions

Still not a single one bears fruit in your garden

Truly I am evil and you are good

Truly I have no business being near you

Except that by seeing this truth you have

That shines ever more the falseness in me

I now realise myself more fully

That I am nothing more than this evil form

Trapped inside this evil me

Stay away

Just please please

Stay

One Word

What started this avalanche?

A simple pebble dislodged from the side

Of the mighty mountain's peak

A simple word spoken without thought

Its echoes reverberated through the valley's gape

And every tree shuddered with its sound

And nothing would ever be the same again

Snow packed down by years of frost

Laid down in winters, primal and young

Accumulated over so many years

There was so much snow, so so much

And that one word was all it took

Took to break apart those invisible walls

Those floodgates that had held all back

And then the mountain rumbled intensely

And the snow began to move after years of still

The snow slid sown the mountain with slow purpose

Like the white bridal gown sliding off tender shoulders

That rumbling, churning, wall of destruction

Dislodged danger summoned by a word

A single, simple, lonely little word

It broke the mountain's face apart

And revealed the granite hidden for so long

And the tumbling, grinding, insatiable snow

That broke away trees planted in nice neat rows

It cascaded over lodges, over pines and burrows

Nothing was scared nothing was spared

The destruction was coming to all the same

What started this avalanche this painful metaphor?

One word was all it took on that day

One word from you is all it's ever taken

Decentralizaton

In twilight hours

The flame flickers

And my thoughts flicker in time

And keep the steps of the dance

The dance of the flame

And it follows paths construed in early days

Passing through notebooks long forgot

Back to a boy riding the bus

Who dared to ink paper, oh so young

And dared to pen the words he knew nothing about

Words such as love and pain

Words such as life and the emptiness behind it all

Words about words

I have looked for this little boy

I would sit under his wide arching brows

And listen to the wisdoms he would teach

How I long to find him again

Have you seen him, o flittering flame?

Where he might be?

I sit here and hold my first grey hair

And wonder, how soon is my story told?

Morose thoughts for such a night

When the universe keeps spinning

Regardless of where I am here or not

Life goes on as if I were no more

So why should I think myself so tall

So smart to have found the meaning of poesy

I shall recline in glorious slumber with my fathers

And rest in the earth, that ever vault of man

And the earth shall not be bitter to my taste

For I know it goes on without me there

How relieving to know this simple fact

That the world truly no longer revolves around me