Escalation

It starts

With something so small

Eyes meet

And the world is enwrapped in light

Or a word

Nothing grandiose or absurd

But a moment

It is the spark and the world is helium

That's how it goes

And has gone since the golden days of Greece

When It had wings

And arrows raining from the sky

And also I

It starts for me the same each time

An accidental touch

Or a smile I have never seen before

Or a side of you

An act done that defies my perceptions

Of you

That moment when I believe again

In that thing

That it seems you cannot speak or

It disappears

But in all my wisdom I am a fool

And gasping in the moment

I grasp

And I name it before the world 

Love 

And I should be trepidatious 

I know

I should be much more careful

I know

Considering my past and my scars

I know

But I don't care!!!

I will name you 

O Love 

And I know I sign my destruction 

And I don't care!!

*a beat*

Maybe I should...

Because I have now begun to see

You 

My dear are still afraid of the pain

And she was too

Scarless as her heart may have been

And I jump

I start planning retirement homes 

And the names of our 6th child

Yes

I am a hopeless romantic 

When I love

I give you not just my heart but also

My dreams

And my future and all that I have 

It's a lot

I realize this about myself now 

In this writing 

In this moment 

I realize that my passion may be a bit

Overwhelming?

Not as some pat on the back to myself 

But a flaw

Many things in life are delicate and require

A delicate touch

Maybe love is the same thing too

Maybe love

Is the most fragile thing in the world

So

I'll do my utter very very best 

To keep it in

Retain all my enthusiasm and refrain 

My heart

I will hide and not carry on my sleeve 

Is this playing hard to get?

God, I hope not 

But if its what it takes to draw you in 

If the hidden heart is the "realer" thing

Fine 

I guess I will play these little love games

*a sigh*

And the moment and its momentum is 

Gone

And the warmth has left and I am me again 

This

It's the destruction of love for me

Each time 

Rain over my love parade

And put out my fires 

But then don't expect me to suddenly 

Be chipper and on fire at a beat 

My kindling

It's still damp and my flint is gone

Maybe

Wait and the spark might come back 

But I don't know 

See this is why love is so hard 

I can't seem to be 

Half hearted about it 

I give it all fully and freely 

If you give it back and say not yet 

You are no longer giving it back to a man

You are giving it back to a 5 year old

And he 

He doesn't understand why you don't want us

And he

He doesn't understand why you have to wait

Even if I do 

This is why I will live in the moment with love 

Maybe that will be a moment of waiting

And I will wait

And dampen my hearts tearing for you

Or maybe it will be a moment of passion 

And I will offer it fully and freely 

And selfishly

Making you be the bad guy 

This is escalation 

Too fast for present or past

This is love 

Why I keep thinking to leave it behind 

22-6-12

22-6-12

Shall I write about love again

There are many more that we cannot tell of

Many more times yet unborn, unwritten

Did you know how much you could mean to me? 

For you know the life we could leave?

I am how brining to learn that I can never have you

And knowing I cannot possesses my soul

It is all I can say

You are the one who could have so much 

You are the one with wings

I will not break them

I will not ask you not to fly

But I cannot just stay here

Like a motionless trees and wait for your return

I cannot 

So I plead

Please my heart stop loving her so softly and slowly

This will not end well

I cannot begin to guess what else she has in store. 

But too much you ache my heart for her

He sits and thinks too much

Look at him 

He sits and second guesses himself 

And her and all of it 

You felt this way before 

Yes you remember how it starts

It's been a while since you've feasted on broken hearts

At least he tells himself all of this

Because it makes him feel so tough and strong 

Or in control

But he knows the heart he always breaks first

Is his own

And they all get over it eventually 

It's not like he's really such a catch

But he never forgets a single one 

And these wounds he inflicts can never heal 

You can't stop yourself 

You keep doing this over and over again

At least he tells himself that 

Because the alternative is still too steep

That he truly could his heart keep

And not divulge his secrets so easily

Or at least not love entirely 

Half hearted love can still be hearty

But these conversations in my mind 

They are winding like an ouroborus

And the problem of being a self devourer

Is eventually all you end up with

Is a mouth full of sharp fangs 

And a venom sack with no closed sign

So I and he and we will all just shut up and sit down for a bit 

Because we are near a breakdown 

Or is it a breakthrough 

Either way something is about to give 

And we know we are a generous giver