Escalation

It starts

With something so small

Eyes meet

And the world is enwrapped in light

Or a word

Nothing grandiose or absurd

But a moment

It is the spark and the world is helium

That's how it goes

And has gone since the golden days of Greece

When It had wings

And arrows raining from the sky

And also I

It starts for me the same each time

An accidental touch

Or a smile I have never seen before

Or a side of you

An act done that defies my perceptions

Of you

That moment when I believe again

In that thing

That it seems you cannot speak or

It disappears

But in all my wisdom I am a fool

And gasping in the moment

I grasp

And I name it before the world 

Love 

And I should be trepidatious 

I know

I should be much more careful

I know

Considering my past and my scars

I know

But I don't care!!!

I will name you 

O Love 

And I know I sign my destruction 

And I don't care!!

*a beat*

Maybe I should...

Because I have now begun to see

You 

My dear are still afraid of the pain

And she was too

Scarless as her heart may have been

And I jump

I start planning retirement homes 

And the names of our 6th child

Yes

I am a hopeless romantic 

When I love

I give you not just my heart but also

My dreams

And my future and all that I have 

It's a lot

I realize this about myself now 

In this writing 

In this moment 

I realize that my passion may be a bit

Overwhelming?

Not as some pat on the back to myself 

But a flaw

Many things in life are delicate and require

A delicate touch

Maybe love is the same thing too

Maybe love

Is the most fragile thing in the world

So

I'll do my utter very very best 

To keep it in

Retain all my enthusiasm and refrain 

My heart

I will hide and not carry on my sleeve 

Is this playing hard to get?

God, I hope not 

But if its what it takes to draw you in 

If the hidden heart is the "realer" thing

Fine 

I guess I will play these little love games

*a sigh*

And the moment and its momentum is 

Gone

And the warmth has left and I am me again 

This

It's the destruction of love for me

Each time 

Rain over my love parade

And put out my fires 

But then don't expect me to suddenly 

Be chipper and on fire at a beat 

My kindling

It's still damp and my flint is gone

Maybe

Wait and the spark might come back 

But I don't know 

See this is why love is so hard 

I can't seem to be 

Half hearted about it 

I give it all fully and freely 

If you give it back and say not yet 

You are no longer giving it back to a man

You are giving it back to a 5 year old

And he 

He doesn't understand why you don't want us

And he

He doesn't understand why you have to wait

Even if I do 

This is why I will live in the moment with love 

Maybe that will be a moment of waiting

And I will wait

And dampen my hearts tearing for you

Or maybe it will be a moment of passion 

And I will offer it fully and freely 

And selfishly

Making you be the bad guy 

This is escalation 

Too fast for present or past

This is love 

Why I keep thinking to leave it behind 

22-6-12

22-6-12

Shall I write about love again

There are many more that we cannot tell of

Many more times yet unborn, unwritten

Did you know how much you could mean to me? 

For you know the life we could leave?

I am how brining to learn that I can never have you

And knowing I cannot possesses my soul

It is all I can say

You are the one who could have so much 

You are the one with wings

I will not break them

I will not ask you not to fly

But I cannot just stay here

Like a motionless trees and wait for your return

I cannot 

So I plead

Please my heart stop loving her so softly and slowly

This will not end well

I cannot begin to guess what else she has in store. 

But too much you ache my heart for her

The Eagle and What It Taught Us

Step down  

And fall from blazing vaults star crusted and cold

As the air gets thicker with emotions and muddied thoughts 

Cast off the divine perspective 

Take a moment to stop

Stop looking at the big picture 

And focus on the small people in the photographs  instead

Now further 

And dive into the depths of the dark undercurrents moving the pieces

Found in the two small circles called his eyes and her eyes

Into the shadow that she and he are not even aware of 

The silent place on the other side of words when conversations die

Take on this poisoned perspective 

That you know is unhealthy and wrong 

Don't forgive him or her 

Allow the undercurrents of ice to take you

Sweep you off your feet 

Give up control

As they carry you out to sea 

And then rise 

Take wing again 

Emerge from the ocean 

Water trailing from your glistening wing tips

Eleven trails of rain that follow you

Each drop from the ocean floor

Glistens in the sunlight like a diamond 

And rise through columns of daylight and cloud

Flickering with sunlight and water like the Phoenix reborn 

Ascend through the crack in the sky you made 

When you plummeted comet like into the sea

Return to your halls of adamante 

unlock the gates of horn and ivory 

And sit once more on your throne 

Take in the whole picture, past and future 

And let the world become small in your eyes again 

But remember 

Remember the thickness of the air

And how the swallows of the evening star had flown in your wake 

Remember the plunge and the shock of the water 

Remember their eyes and the shadows within 

Remember their humanity as you gaze from your tower 

And if you should ever forget 

You know how to recall being human

Simply take a step down 

Now

Take the step up

The Day the Words Stopped

The day the words stopped, or

A song without words

It was such an ordinary kind of day

The day we ran out of words

That no one would have thought 

That it would be the day 

We could no longer speak

The day the words ran out 

It started like any other

People were born 

And people died

And most people didnt 

Bother with either 

Angeline didnt worry about Trevor 

Who finally had slept through the night

Chris called Samantha one more time

Before she went to pick up the dress

And Olivia woke with the sad emptiness

That can only come the morning

After your sixth birthday 

They and billions like them

Me

And you with me were there 

We had no idea 

That it would forever be the day 

The day our words ran out

And I had nothing left to say to you

And you had no more questions left

To ask me why I had stopped talking

What a curios day that was

The day the words ran out for us 

He sits and thinks too much

Look at him 

He sits and second guesses himself 

And her and all of it 

You felt this way before 

Yes you remember how it starts

It's been a while since you've feasted on broken hearts

At least he tells himself all of this

Because it makes him feel so tough and strong 

Or in control

But he knows the heart he always breaks first

Is his own

And they all get over it eventually 

It's not like he's really such a catch

But he never forgets a single one 

And these wounds he inflicts can never heal 

You can't stop yourself 

You keep doing this over and over again

At least he tells himself that 

Because the alternative is still too steep

That he truly could his heart keep

And not divulge his secrets so easily

Or at least not love entirely 

Half hearted love can still be hearty

But these conversations in my mind 

They are winding like an ouroborus

And the problem of being a self devourer

Is eventually all you end up with

Is a mouth full of sharp fangs 

And a venom sack with no closed sign

So I and he and we will all just shut up and sit down for a bit 

Because we are near a breakdown 

Or is it a breakthrough 

Either way something is about to give 

And we know we are a generous giver

Focus

Two spheres

Gliding through the darkness 

Towards collision

Bearing too many scars

To believe in predestination 

Concave lenses 

Slowly finding their focus 

Hoping it is near 

And not in the distant leaving 

Like two spheres 

Gliding through the darkness 

Deep

And the waters are here again 

Without warning comes the flood

And the air is gone again 

And the depths burn my lungs

This is a metaphor 

This is a way for me to speak

About the pressure again

Crushingly me so slowly

The lights have all gone out

It is so cold 

Alone here in the dark

No hand to hold

Not that I would take one

All else drowns and pride endures

It shifts towards apathy 

And a suicidal urge 

Please don't read in too deep

You wouldn't want to drown

Stay in the shallow side

Practice going round and round

Don't look too closely 

At the cracks beneath the smile

Float now on your back 

And watch the sky for a while

While I will dive deeper

The flood is here may as well go

Submerge my gasping thoughts

Submit unto the dark and the cold

Please don't read into deep

I wouldn't want to drag you down 

Paddle in your pool 

Don't look where I can be found 

The world is quiet here 

In the darkness of the trench

The world begins to fade 

And I am gasping my last breath 

Please don't read in too deep

It's all okay, really, you'll see 

Go find your floaties and your friends 

Just let me sink and let me be 

Her Funny Definition of Love

Watch the singer try to sing
Her song can't come out
With her mute voice aching
Screaming for release
But I won't release you
Oh no my dear I won't
No matter how you beg and plead
And you don't honestly expect
Those old honest crocodile tears
To actually even have an affect
Watch her perform again
Tonight just as the first
Every night just as the first
Scared out of her mind
And she wants to whimper
And she wants to scream
With her mute throat bleeding
Aching for release
But I won't release you
Oh no my dear I won't
No matter how many tears of blood
Fall on my garden tonight
You can make yourself as fat
Or as unattractive as you want
Go right ahead but just know
I will never give into your will
And I will never let you go
And the release you crave
Will always be just out of your reach
Watch the prisoner try to walk
As if her ankles weren't locked in fetters
As if the chains aren't cutting into her arms
As if she didn't have the iron collar round her throat
Go ahead and ask her who did this to her
Her larynx is gone and her will with it
And I will never ever ever ever be convinced
To give it back to her
So Sing my dear and I will be your angel of music
Sing my dear and I will be your sea witch
Sing my lovely little mute
And tell everyone of what you know
And what I did
And who I really am
Go ahead and show them how you can sing
My lovely little Lavinia
Because deep down you know
You fear that you might even think
That I wasn't the one who took your voice
I wasn't the one who set your chains
And you fear you know exactly Who is to blame
And you can't face that fact because of the fear
Because it means that no one is watching
No one is watching your show
No one is guarding your prison
No one is listening, no one at all
Except me, and that is worst of all
What a funny definition of love we have
What a funny definition of speaking we have

What We Saw in the Epilogues

Shall I speak again
Of that old familiar feeling
The apropos of desire
The emptiness of getting what you asked for
But whose fault will it be today
You look around the room that's empty
Void of empathy and pain
And the desire to do anything at all
Again I shall sing
Of the void in the place called joy
The fear of feeling unfulfillment
When you've finally found success
The joy is in the journey
The destination is a rocking chair
In an empty room
Colored sepia and full of sand
And the finest film of dust on all your favorite memories
Caught forever in an unfocused lens
Shall speaking I again sing
Of that simple pleasure in adversity
Knowing who to hate and what to be
Knowing where the goals are and which mountain to climb
Never reaching the top
To sit down wrapped tight in ennui
The bittersweet hollowness of purpose complete
I sing and speak again
Of the postpartum pain of accomplishment
And you find yourself the mother
Who dreams of murdering her child
To throw away the baby clothes
And start all over again
What will you do to feel purpose
What will you do to feel desire
What are you willing to do to feel that joy
And know you'll never know the peace
Of knowing the emptiness will always find you
On the other side of desire

The Archer and Her Arrow

My bow
You sent me out
A flying comet across the night sky
My dreams
High and lofty full of prophecy and praise
You shaped on softest mind
And I thank you
For you molded wings for me to fly
And now I am soaring with the planets
O so very high
And you fear the cold of space
And the airless existence seems death to you
But do not fear
You could not imagine the heights
Of the trajectory that you have set
Nor can you control
The arrow once loosed from your arms
It's ending aimed for but alas unsure
I am flying
And I thank you for your high aim
But please despair not so
Weep not these bitter tears
For you imagined me an arrow
Never realizing you gave birth instead
To a rocket
And I shall ascend into the highest
Heavens vaults will not be strange to me
I shall walk upon the paths of stars
And breathe again the air empyrean
And I know you fear
That what comes up must also comes down
And my Phaeton fate makes you beat your breasts
For the Morningstar's glory is also my own
And like he, I know I am doomed to fall
Fail and be cast from the azure vaults
Fail and fall as a beacon burning bright
But I know the risk
That to truly dance with galaxies
And taste the icy airless night
I must rise above the stable tree tops
Pass over the birds of the air
Break the gates of the firmament
A blazing comet into the sky
And gravity then for a time
A stranger to me must remain
But there is a time and season for everything
And the risk is almost set so sure
That my flightpath may not endure
Descending again as all arrows should
Where I fall no man to mark my place
Burned-up entirely on my reentry
Transformed from this woody frame
Into the glory and brilliance of flame
And from the fire then joined with the air
A sweet oblivion and the endless flight
O weep not woman
For my falling then shall not be my failing
For flying high enough to burn then
Means flying forever and never falling down again
I know the risk that I now take
I know the journey is not the fate
You would have wished for me
But glory in that this flaming dart
Which shall illuminate for a time mankind's dark
And then join with the free molecules of the sky
Was shot from the arms that are thine
Glory in the arrow and glory thou my bow
Raise up they eyes so cast low
And this one thing assured know
My journey was never my own