Catharsis

What have I done

These words capture forever in the black

Courier is such horrid font

To imprison the past in

And yet here I have done it

Am doing it again 

There's some meta for you

Take two and don't call me in the morning

It begins with a simple thought

Reread what I have written

Don't let the past affect the poet any longer

My warden finally laid to rest

And I convinced myself quite nicely

That the manacles had not existed

At least at first I did

But poem after poem 

All of you my darling dears

Three loves have ever held my heart

Three loves have never let go

And three times have the breaking happened

Three times I promised never again 

Here I am again

I see some more of you

The others I almost pursued

Thank God I never did

The regret of not having pursued is great

I revel in it because it makes you all so real

And validates my pathetic poems

Because when I reread them

Specifically the ones written for her and him and her

I feel the breaking anew

And the blood begins to burn

It's so strange

I don't love two out of three anymore

But they burn the most of all

Not anger

Not regret

The hodgepodge of anguish 

The pain and anxiety and dread and exhiliration 

Coure like ice through my veins again 

I am back in that moment

When I first knew beyond a doubt I loved you

When I first knew I didn't love you or you didn't love me

Or that we loved each other but just not enough

And the liquor of life's sweetest mistakes courses through me

And makes me long for days that never actually happened

And for memories I have colored false shades of gold or grey

But I have read all of them

I have read the story of me

It is an show in selfishness

Told in three acts called by three names

And I burn again with subtly different shades of flame

And I long again for that which I never always have

And then extinguish at the end of the page

And there is nothing but soft piano music

And an empty water bottle

I lie here in the fetal position

And I dare to think

Maybe I am finished

Maybe no more tears to cry

Maybe this time it really means healing

And the end

Not to forget 

But not to be chained to all three of you anymore

Maybe just one

A spark of hope remains

A flame of love carried from the first

Passed to the second just in time

Passed to the third before the others were put out

A last lasting flame

With no foreseeable fuel in the future

Maybe this truly is the end

Maybe this ember will smolder

And finally find rest

It's not that I want it

It's not that love was ever so bad

Poison makes us stronger

And teaches me to say, "As you wish"

But with no other love in sight

No haven to steer to or star to guide my way

I have this final one to look to

As it grows dimmer and dimmer

Smaller and smaller

And maybe soon will finally go out

And maybe that means freedom

And maybe that means the end of love for good

Or maybe it means this love is finally done

This way of loving

This selfish love that I can't seem to shake

Maybe this flame ends to clear the fireplace

And scrape out the old, poisonous residue and ash

No more asbestos to burn

And place the fresh pine in the hearth

Drench it with holy annointing chrism

And set a completely different blaze

I can't say for certain

All I know is I think something is ending

I think something may finally be done

But I can't be sure just yet

Sometimes you're sailing out of the storm

And sometimes it's just that you've reached the eye

So I will go sailing on 

Following the last star

Before morning comes

Carol of the Loves

Why are you three here?

Begone from me ghosts

And leave my sleep be

It is a long while still

Until Christmas Eve

Why should you now

Come walk among the living

Why should you now

Come disturb my torpid sleep

You, I see you there

The flicker flame

Reflecting specks of yesterday

I know your poison

All too well

I dare not drink

From that rotten cup

You offer in your hands of rust

I shall not partake

Of your unholy sacrament

Begone from me Yesterday

I know why you have come

To bring to memory

Not your smiles or songs

No, nor your words of love

For your smiles were two edged

and your songs were off key

You spoke not a word

Of love but ever guiltily

So I shall not come to your boney arms

I reject your false memories

For with you I was never happy

No I loved the idea of you

Not you

And these words are meant

To be hard and heavy and sharp

It is the only way to kill a phantom

Yes, you should fear too

Oh glimmering shine

That coats my words

Even as I breathe them

You, O Today, You

I can never escape You

You are evervescent

Ever present

Ever constant

Like the beating drum

You beat inside my skull

And you remind me

Of what I can never have

I feel your thrumbing presence

At all times the beating of your wings

Brushing the air by my head

Barely missing my face

The air around me buzzing

You distort my eyes

And make the air dance

Mirages appear on my left

On my right, and ahead

But I cannot turn

Because even as you

In kindess reach out and touch

You break the wall I have built so long

Of most solid air and promises

My resolve to keep you out

Today I cannot let you distract me

You are too mezmerizing

I know I can never keep you

You always slip away

The second I turn to chase you

I have given up on you

As I gave up on my Yesterday

But please don't make me kill you too

Leave me phantom

And I shall always keep

Your name upon my door

Marley

You should remain as you are

Dead

And my friend

But even as you begin to slide away

I find myself reaching for you again

Calling

Longing

Trying desperately not to care

Oh come back my Today

Come back and leave me not alone

With her

Oh

Oh no

The music has now stopped again and I do not know what I shall do for this new phantom is more real than the rest for even in trepidation formed her steps are deeper and plant themselves sure for she is none other than the black caped one who brings the sweetest terror and release and I know she is coming closer with each and every step and while her veil remains fixed I know the eyes that burn through it all too well and my heart cannot stop shaking and breaking my chest for it knows all to well she shall consume it utterly and though my will may cry out to my feet to turn and run and flee this dark day coming I know I cannot flee it and I know my place has been set at this table for it is not the table I shall eat of but the table I shall be eaten upon as a sacrifice for love's indellible appatite and so I shall submit to the glistening teeth and I shall recall the song I heard her first sing when the embers first stoked in the depths of my dispair and life was forged anew to be broken on different shores..... Shall I name you now? And shall you know the power you already whield? Shall I tear the veil and call you out?

Tomorrow

There I have whispered your name

And the depths of the deep places of the world

Echo and rebound and break apart

For they know at your coming

All of them shall be made to burn with light

And the fire I alone have seen in your smile

Tomorrow

Shall I endure Yesterday and Today

These scouraging phantoms

The bane of my sleep

In order that I may

Before morning's pale kiss

See your face

Even in shadow's graced

For a few passing moments

Caught on swallow's wings

Shall I see your own unfold

Your raven rainment detatched

And the form once more

Of Tomorrow's shaping

Shall I bear all these others

So I may see your smile

But know that sending them away

I send you away as well

Tomorrow will you ever be out of my grasp

Tomorrow, how much longer till dawn comes again

Tomorrow how much longer

Till I see your rising face

I can only hope

That some phantoms

Are not truly phantoms at all

I can only hope

Until Christmas Day comes